It's About the Journey
by Her sister's keeper
Summary: (Road Trip AU) Rey just needs to get back to her hometown for her best friends' wedding. Getting a ride from Kylo may not be the best idea (maybe because he's her boss, maybe because they can't go five minutes without taunting one another), but life isn't really giving her an option, now is it? She just needs to survive this three-day drive and the ordeal will be done, right?
1. Chapter 1

She didn't have the money.

Rey cursed at the tip jar again, picking it up and rattling it for good measure, the paltry sum of four dollars and sixty-seven cents (yes, she counted) clicking against the mason jar's glass somewhat pleasantly. She tossed her wash rag down on the oak bar, hands bracing herself up as she glared down at her feet, cheap Walmart sneakers barely holding themselves together, the duct tape on the sole having been soaked in this morning's rain-puddled jog to work.

There were tears edging at her eyes, and the struggle to keep them back was a fiery bite at the back of her throat, something akin to the acrid aftertaste of a tequila shot without the lime, one of those drinks you only gave to people too drunk to remember the pain. She supposed that she was grateful that the bar was dead, it being a Sunday morning in the busy city of Coruscant, that no one would bother her as she let her shoulders slump, the tears hot and fast as they dripped down her chin, unlike the cold, languid rain spattering the bar's glass door.

When she had gotten the save-the-date card in the mail, she had cried then too—but out of joy. Rey remembered as she sniffled and chuckled, wiping her nose and wincing with it. When that card came in, she was in the middle of a Skype call with the lucky couple. Finn and Poe had grinned cheekily as she had squealed and then sobbed at the news, especially as Finn asked her to stand in their wedding, to be his best maid (a term that Poe teased them about, but with a fondness, a pride, attached). They had promised her that they weren't doing anything big, that any dress she had in her closet would be fine for the ceremony, that she didn't have to have a second dress for the reception, none of that nonsense. They knew she was a student, that money was tight, her presence would be enough.

When she had gotten that card, she thought that it'd be no big deal, that she would have the money to make the ceremony. Then life stepped in, as it so often does, and threw her curveballs when it knew that she can't play ball worth a damn.

First, it was college graduation that had uprooted her, left her on shaky ground. True, at age twenty-two, she had more than enough work experience to spare—now a retired resident adviser, who had balanced fifteen credit hours and two part-time jobs to boot—but of course, it wasn't in her career field. A double major in advanced mathematics and writing had been preached as a "smart idea," that she'd for sure have a job waiting for her at the end of the graduation ceremony. Instead, she found herself still bartending, moonlighting as a freelance writer when her schedule would allow, which was never.

Then it was her grandfather's health crisis. Rey knew that she couldn't be mad about it necessarily—at the time, it made the most sense to drop everything and fly back home as soon as possible. It made sense to give up those extra shifts she had been banking on, to use that savings fund for the last-minute trip instead of the plane ticket to the wedding. Chewie, her boss at the bar, understood. Her landlord and student loan collectors? Not so much.

Considering how close she had come to losing him to pneumonia, she didn't begrudge her grandpa Ben for her financial troubles—and it was for that reason that she refused to accept his money when she came back. It still burned her up a bit inside that she had to accept a hand-out (even though Jessica would insist that it was anything but), moving in with her coworker/friend to make ends meet, to not worry as much. It had helped a little, but not enough.

The final nail in her coffin was that her speeder, a little dinged up VW Beetle (her grandfather's first "nice" car, back in the day), had finally bit the dust. What would have been a six-hour flight had turned into a two to three-day drive, and then into nothing, because Rey was sure that if she attempted the make the cross-country walk to Takodana, all 2000 and some odd miles of it, she wouldn't have feet anymore anyways.

The outside door's overhead bell jingled, and as she listened to the door slam, Rey tried to hide the evidence that she had been crying, two quick swipes along her cheeks seemingly clearing the bulk of it. Her runny nose, and puffy red eyes? Well, she'll let any customer think that she had a hangover. With the type of clientele the Millennium bar hosted—an odd mix of gangsters and businessmen—Rey knew that she wouldn't be bothered, that if anything, they'd be quiet with their drinks, and maybe kind with their tipping.

When she saw who it was that stalked up to the bar, slumping in the farthest seat, the girl wasn't sure if she wanted to roll her eyes or crack a smile. Seeing how his eyes had slid past her, how his head was drowsily resting on the bar, she went with the happy medium: taunting.

 _"Ben Solo!"_ The man bolted upright, blurry eyes attempting to focus, the all-nighter he just pulled unkind to him. With that voice, he knew that it was just the bartender. With her delivery though, he could have sworn it was Ms. Kanata, his fifth-grade teacher from hell.

"You just had to give me a Takodana welcome, didn't you, Kenobi?" His drawl was the long-suffering kind, punctuated with him dragging his hands down his face, trying to wake up, even as he let his large hands cover his eyes. From his left, he could hear her chuckle, her sneakers squeaking on the waxed linoleum behind the bar, a glass sliding along to bump his arm. When he peeked, it was a hot cup of coffee and the girl had her back to her, polishing glasses again. His sigh was grateful as he cradled the mug carefully, drinking deeply before sputtering, a shudder shooting up through him. Of course—she spiked it with whiskey. Her eyes were on him, smirk wide, and so he took another sip for her benefit, grimacing with the sharp burn.

"Thanks, asshole."

"You're welcome, shitface." He snorted, glancing at her and raising his mug, resigned but respectful. Their relationship was an odd one—onlookers at the bar would call it almost familial, watching the bartender trade barbs with the former owner's son. Chewie would call it professional, seeing that he bantered with his staff, though not as often and as brutally as his co-owner did with Rey, but he digressed. Jessica swore that there was sexual tension somewhere, or at least an understanding, citing how Rey never called the man Mr. Ren like everyone else, but Kylo, sometimes even Ben, even though everyone else was forbidden. Nevertheless, no matter what you called it—odd, belligerent, amusing—they worked together well enough that things always went smoothly.

"Where have you been, Kylo? You look like you lost another drinking match with Chewie." He rolled his eyes, draining his mug, wiping his mouth as Rey poured more of the brew into his cup, the rolling steam feeling nice on his face.

"Worse—I was doing inventory." There was a groan and an empathetic tap on his shoulder, but not more of a response. Odd, he mused. Usually, during her Sunday morning shifts, Rey would jump at the chance to talk to anyone, chattering nonstop as soon as he stopped by, prolonging his visits at least twofold. Not that he minded.

"What's up with you?" There was a beat, no response, almost a pointed attempt at ignoring him as she unloaded the tiny dishwasher behind the counter, the wine glasses clinking together as she went. True, Kylo didn't know her as well as many would believe, but he knew enough about people, in general, to know that she was avoiding the conversation. His mind wracked over the possible touchy subjects. Her grandfather was doing better, so it wasn't that. She didn't have a significant other, not one important to talk about, the thought heating his ears, a feeling that he shook off. No reason to be jumping on that train of thought, he scolded himself. His eyes wandered over to the schedule board, eyes alighting on the blocked off days on Rey's sheet.

Ah. Of course.

"You're still going to the wedding, right?" Rey stilled now, bracing herself against the bar-top and the counter across, careful not to look back at her boss, cursing all the while. Despite how unbearable he was growing up (one of those older kids who got into trouble, was used as an example by her grandfather, despite them being friends with his family), she couldn't deny how he was always able to figure out what the problem was. But she didn't want pity right now. She wanted to be left alone.

His hand covering hers forced her head up, her look back, his brows knit in confusion—and was that concern? Grimacing, she wrenched her hand out from under his, sighing with frustration at his quirked eyebrow, how he leaned forward. He always gave her this look before she spilled her guts, so why delay? Rey sighed again, snatching up a glass and polishing it roughly, taking her discomfort on the washrag and the glass. She hated whining but she would allow it, especially now as Kylo poked her, as if impatient.

"It doesn't look like I'll be going. I don't have enough money to afford to fly out, and even if I did, I should have booked my ticket at least a month ago." He made a noise from the back of his throat, as if he understood, pressing on:

"Why don't you drive? I'm sure Chewie wouldn't be opposed to covering your shifts for you for a few extra days." She snorted at him, elbows on the counter as she leaned in.

"Didn't you hear? My car died a few weeks ago. I'm not exactly in the position to drive anywhere, let alone back home." Rey turned away, back to the glasses, content to drop the conversation. Instead, she nearly dropped a glass, her hands fumbling across the smooth surface at Kylo's suggestion:

"Well, then, why don't you catch a ride back with me?" He watched her sputter and then burst into laughter, doubling up with it as he looked on, stiff and unsure whether he should be insulted or not.

"Kylo, the only time I will only accept a ride from you is when I know it isn't out of pity or wanting something to hold over my head for the next decade. Besides, memory serves that you were a shit driver back in the day." Rey watched his grip on the mug tighten, his eyes threatening to fall out of his head with how hard he rolled them.

"I'll have you know, Kenobi, that my driving has gotten better over the years, and has always been better than your so called 'skills'." She tossed her head back to laugh at him again, but he cut her off before the sound could leave her mouth.

"I was on my way back this weekend anyways." Her eyebrow arched, hand finding hip as her mouth quirked, disbelieving. He huffed, glancing down at his coffee, how it swirled dark, wondering if his hands shook. "I'm bringing my dad's old car back to my mom, okay?"

In an instance, the suspicion was dropped, Rey's eyes softening. "Of course. The anniversary…that's this weekend, isn't it?" She watched his slow nod, dark eyes introspective as she sighed. "It's been a year, Ben. You still haven't found anyone to sell it to?"

"It's not exactly something you sell to some random guy." The words were harsh, short of a sneer, but there was a flash of mortification, and Kylo exhaled, apologetic. "My uncle figured he would have an easier time with it, take it off my hands. It's probably just going to rust, anyways."

She hummed in response, letting them fall into silence for a beat. They didn't talk about Han's death. Not because Rey couldn't empathize—she could, Han had been her spot of home in this far-off city during college. They didn't talk because it was too hard, too serious for a bar. The customers could be depressed while they drink and pretend to be merry, but those who worked there? It was an unspoken rule to fake happy, and so the two allowed that rule to compose the silence, setting a melody of quiet sips and tinkling glasses.

"The wedding is on Saturday, right?"

"Yes." For a moment, Rey wondered if she said it too quickly, watching his head snap up as if surprised that she was still there, as if he was talking to himself. Kylo shook himself out of his stupor, nodding again. "I'll text Chewie, see if he'll find someone to cover those shifts. Knowing him, he'll cover them himself—you know how he is." Rey snorted in agreement, and he allowed himself to simper at the sound.

He'd take that as a yes, an agreement, pushing himself up with a groan. As Rey swept away his mug, rinsing it for the dishwasher, he consulted his phone, scowling at it as he looked over his calendar. "How do you feel about leaving tomorrow?"

Rey felt her eyebrows raise high as if attempting to reach her hair. "It's certainly short notice. I haven't packed yet."

Kylo scoffed, rolling his eyes. "It's not as if you give me a lot to work with. If worse comes to worse—which it will, driving that old shitbucket—it'll take us three days to get there. Knowing how Poe is, he probably has a rehearsal dinner planned for Friday night, and anyways that's the day I told my mother I'd be back by then, and…"

"Solo." He glanced at her, wondered if he had been rambling as she leaned forward, hand on hip again. "You worry too much." He opened his mouth to snark back, but she fluttered a hand at him, cutting him off once more. "I'll be ready to leave by 9 am. No earlier."

"7 am."

"8 am, and you better have coffee."

"7:45 am, and I'll even get you breakfast." She growled at him, tossing her hands up. "Fine. But only because you know I'll never say no to food."

He smirked at her, turning to go, pausing when she called after him, curious. "Weren't you invited to the wedding too?"

"I was, but then Poe asked me to be his best man, and well, I wasn't about to walk with you, of all people, down an aisle. I may be his buddy from college, but I wasn't about to get harassed by my employee on the happiest day of my best friend's life." Rey stuck her tongue out at him, muttering as he turned away, simpering, catching something about it being preferable to walk Finn's corgi, Beebee, down the aisle instead anyways.

It wasn't until he had stepped out into the rain did Kylo seem to wake up. Did he really just agree to drive across the country with his most tempestuous employee? He wondered if he had walked into a trap, if Rey had purposefully spiked his coffee, made him soft, made him vulnerable. If she did, then kudos to her—it worked. He knew better though, and so shrugged it off, vowing to make the best of it, even as the rain drenched his neck, his second thoughts keeping him from focusing on the coming storm.


	2. Chapter 2

"So wait—go back a bit. He's driving you _willingly?"_ Rey could feel her eyes roll for at least the twentieth time since her alarm had screamed its morning greetings at 7 am sharp. It was 7:35 now, and Jess was perched on the couch, a cigarette pinched between her two fingers, eyes heavy but alert as she watched her roommate attempt to negotiate with her overflowing suitcase.

"For the last time, Jess, he _offered._ Is that really too hard to believe?" Jess shrugged, took a drag, tapped the ashes, musing. "What were the lovebirds' response to this plan of yours?" Rey gritted her teeth, trying to neatly shove the last of her clothes into the bag, thinking about avoiding the question. "They didn't seem surprised. You shouldn't be either."

In truth, it went better than she thought. She had expected them to laugh themselves silly, to tease her relentlessly. Instead, they had been quiet, even pensive about it, when she had skyped them the night before, her clothes laid out for their opinions. They were still cleaning up after dinner, dishes clinking in the sink as Finn washed and Poe dried, their murmurs of jokes and town gossip warm, like home. Somewhere in the background, BeeBee was whining to go out, and it was when Finn excused himself to step out with the pup did Poe ask about it.

"How did you manage to convince him to come?" His voice was low, soothing as always, and quiet enough that Rey nearly had missed it, the running water nearly smoothing over it. "I didn't. He had to convince me."

He hummed, grabbing the sponge, barely looking up at the laptop's webcam, safe on the windowsill above the sink. When he did, there was a small smile, and she was surprised that it lacked his usual mischief. "That's nice of him. I'll have to thank him when he gets back."

"He says he's only coming to drop the car off at Leia's. I don't think he'll be in town very long." She found herself mindlessly smoothing out the dress that she picked out for the wedding, as if nervous, the blue lace sleeves still nice despite the crease she was trying to flatten. Poe snorted, wagging a wet wooden spoon at Rey as if to scold her. "If you say so. Ten bucks say that he stays in town _and_ comes to my wedding."

"You're on, Dameron. Prepare to eat your words." There was that older brother smirk, that signature "I know something you don't know" smugness as he reached for another dish, harrumphing at her. "We'll see about that. Text me when you get on the road tomorrow, okay? Be safe."

That had been last night, and still this morning, Rey was turning that reaction over in her head, wondering if Kylo had told something else to Poe, if the groom actually did know something that she didn't. Maybe this had been arranged all along. Or maybe, for once in his life, Ben Solo—no, sorry, _Kylo Ren_ (which she still thought was a stupid name that unbelievably stuck during college)—was being nice. Having grown up almost a decade apart, Rey doubted that was the case—Kylo liked to torment her as if they were siblings, or he was the schoolyard bully who found amusement in her pluckiness. He wasn't doing this to be nice—he was doing this as a favor to his best friend, who happened to be the older brother figure in her life.

It didn't matter now, she mused, glancing at the clock and cursing. 7:42. Knowing Kylo, he was going to be right on time, if not a few minutes ahead of schedule, and it was much too early in the morning to be called a "slowpoke," or any other juvenile name.

* * *

Kylo let the Falcon's engine rumble on as he leaned over the steering wheel, fingers tapping along with Sinatra's croon. It was still raining, the skies dark and gray, and he almost wished that he could be in bed still, but no, there was a trip to make, a car to drive. An annoyance named Rey to chauffeur. He snorted at himself, retrieving his phone. 7:44. He'd give her a minute or two more before he made his way up to her apartment door, or maybe call her. For the meantime, he would let the car idle and his thoughts roam.

His eyes were still heavy with sleep, having missed out on two hours of it the night before. He had Poe to thank for that, his friend having excitedly called him at about 11 pm to bother him. Kylo could only assume that Rey had just told the lovebirds about the travel plan with how much the Latino man poked and prodded at it. His greeting had been vulgar and gleeful, and the sound of it still rang in the tired man's ears.

"Kylo, you cradle-robbing son-of-a-bitch!" He had sighed, rubbing his temples, glancing at the clock. "I have no idea what you're talking about. Do you know what time it is?"

"Does it matter? You didn't tell me you were coming back to Takodana this weekend." His voice dropped, and Kylo knew that his friend was waggling his eyebrows now in that stupid but charming way. "You also didn't tell me that you were such a gentleman, Benjamin."

"Don't call me that. And again, no idea what you're talking about." He was sitting on the edge of his bed now, shoulders slumped as he held the phone a few inches away from his ear, trying to spare his hearing as Poe shouted.

"You're driving Rey back home! Out of the goodness of your heart! How noble! How unexpected! How romantic!" He hadn't expected panic to bubble up inside him with that last word. Romantic? As if. He was just doing a favor for an old friend. Okay, maybe "friend" was too strong of a word, the word feeling wrong as it sat in his head uneasily. He wasn't sure why.

"No, no, get that out of your head right now, Poe. It's not romantic. It's just a nice thing to do."

"It's an awfully nice thing to do since you used to claim that you couldn't stand her."

"I never said that. Maybe when she was in middle school, but not now. She's…alright."

There had been a flood of possible words that came to mind about Rey. Begrudgingly, the words kind, beautiful, smart, hardworking, and okay, yes, sometimes annoying had come to mind. He settled for the most neutral one, knowing that Poe wouldn't let him live it down if he paid the girl a sincere compliment. What was the big deal anyways, he wondered? Can't a man in his thirties think that a female friend of his is pretty without it meaning something more? Poe was being juvenile, he was sure, a fact that made Kylo huff and roll his eyes into the phone.

"She's more than alright, and you know it."

"Yeah, yeah. Was there a point to this call? I have a long-ass drive ahead of me tomorrow, as you fucking know."

"No bed-sharing."

"Excuse me?" Kylo could feel his ears pinken, his brow furrowing as Poe continued. "No bed-sharing. I don't want the maid of honor being corrupted by the would-be best man. It's tacky. Also, old man Kenobi would probably kill you for it anyways."

"For your information, I wasn't planning on sharing anything, let alone a bed, with Rey, so don't worry. Also, I doubt Kenobi would kill his godson."

"You never know…"

"Poe, I'm hanging up now. Goodnight."

"Goodnight, _lover boy_."

His best friend was incorrigible. That was the only thing he was certain of as he tried to settle in to bed again, tossing and turning instead.

The slam of a screen door brought him out of his thoughts and he glanced up, watching Rey and Jess make a slow descent down the stairs, Rey's suitcase between them as they staggered. In a moment, he was out of the car, popping the trunk and swiping the baggage up and away from the two women, Rey rolling her eyes at him as she relinquished her hold on it.

"Oh, Kylo, _whatever_ would we have done without you." He snorted at her, sweeping his hand towards the car. "Your carriage awaits, your majesty." She harrumphed at him, smirk giving way to genuine smile as she looked over the car, tugging the passenger door open and slipping in.

He nodded at Jess, opening his own door, looking back now as she cleared her throat. "Mr. Ren, why exactly are you driving Rey back home?" There was a pause, and Kylo wondered why he didn't have an answer ready. It was a simple answer, but as he heard the radio stations in his car change from Sinatra to Brendon Urie, glancing back to see Rey gleefully tuning the radio dial just so, he couldn't think of it off hand.

"Because…we grew up together, and it's a nice thing to do. For a friend." Jess chuckled at his late addition, tapping the ashes off her cigarette again. "Small world, huh?" She nodded to him, waved at Rey, and was walking away by the time the exchange had fully registered with Kylo.

"Not small enough, apparently." He muttered, thinking of the long trip ahead as he slid into his seat, daring to peek at Rey, who looked back at him, expectantly. "Are we going to get this show on the road or not, Ben?"

Oh, gods, this was going to be a long drive.


	3. Chapter 3

Rey sighed contently from her seat, feeling almost like a kid again. It had been years since she had ridden in the Falcon, the gorgeous sleek Cadillac that had been the pride and joy of the late Han Solo. If that man had been a character, then his car had been a sidekick, the Q to Han's James Bond. She let her hands trace the sun-faded plastic of the dashboard, fingers lovingly tracing over the radio dial, dancing again as she switched stations for the fifth time since climbing in the car. Kylo scowled at her, sparing a glance her way before deftly moving his hand to the radio dial, switching it back to Bing Crosby's pleading.

 _Lay that pistol down, Babe,  
Lay that pistol down.  
Pistol packing mama,  
Lay that pistol down._

"Quit it. Aren't you supposed to be sleeping, Miss 'Oh-god-I'm-exhausted-Kylo-shut-the-fuck-up'?" Rey couldn't stop herself, sticking her tongue out, reaching a hand out to swat him and his stupid leather jacket.

"I'm not tired. Especially not now we have breakfast." She swept her arms out, circling the McDonald's bags sitting warm on her legging-clad legs. Kylo snorted in response. "Shut up and eat your breakfast then. Whatever keeps you quiet."

She stuck out her tongue again but began rooting around in the bag anyways, wordlessly handing him his hash brown. He allowed himself to simper as he accepted the greasy food, sighing as he sunk his teeth in. Nine-year-old Rey would have definitely eaten his hash brown back in the day, something that his eighteen-year-old self wouldn't have gotten over. But so many years had passed, and surely they had matured more now, right?

So he thought, glancing over again, frowning as he reached a hand over, swiping the partially unwrapped breakfast burrito Rey held aloft, about to bite. "You ordered McMuffins, missy. The burritos are mine."

"The extra one is mine! We ordered three, you jackass!" She made to snatch it back, but he blocked her hand with an elbow, smirking as he took a bite, speaking with his mouth full. "Well, it's mine now."

She huffed at him, plucking a coffee from the cup holder, settling it against her lips with a muttered, "Whatever." He grinned at her, egg and bell pepper surely stuck in his teeth, and she snorted at him, passing him a napkin as he laughed at her frustration. "Shut up and pay attention to the road, asshat."

Her coffee was warm and tucked between her knees as Kylo segued off the ramp and onto the expressway, speeding up and by a few other cars. It'd been forever since she had gone home like this, the drive more soothing than she remembered, but then again, she had never been the passenger. As they cruised along the smooth asphalt, the rising sun peeking warm through the windshield, Rey felt her eyelids droop, and she grimaced. True, her stomach was full, and she was comfortable, having leaned the seat back almost as far as it would go, legs up on the dashboard, she didn't want to sleep. Not yet. In the background, Dean Martin was about to start crooning again, and she sat up straight, bored, and ready for a noise that wasn't made by one of the Rat Pack.

"Hey, Kylo, wanna play a highway game?" There was that glance again, his dark brown eyes darting to look over and then return to the road. "What are you, twelve?"

"What are you, seventy, grumpykins?" She wrinkled her nose at him, tugging at her hair, letting it down from her ponytail, sighing as the tresses fell, wet and crimped from the tight hairband. "You listen to old people music, so I'm assuming so."

He glared at her, turning up the song as if to drown her out, rolling his eyes as she glared back.

 _How lucky can one guy be?  
I kissed her and she kissed me.  
Like the fella once said,  
Ain't that a kick in the head?_

"That, Rey, is what good music sounds like. Smooth, soft, just enough jazz to keep your attention. Not that loud, brash stuff you like. You don't like this music? You simply have no taste." Once more, Rey burst out laughing, rolling her eyes as she quieted, listening to the song continue on, the croon comforting and yet not exciting enough.

"Kylo, the only other person I know who listens to this stuff is my ninety-five-year-old grandfather. I don't have taste? Well, whatever you say, gramps." Kylo bit the inside of his cheek, his swearing low as she laughed, nearly drowning Dean out once more:

 _It's just like the fella said…  
Tell me quick: ain't love like a kick in the head?_

He supposed he was grateful that she was silent as the song finished out, her fingers busily plaiting and then undoing the braid, leaving her hair wavy but snarled up at the ends. He wanted to tug out the knots, make her hair smooth again, but instead, he grimaced at himself, keeping his hands on the steering wheel, gripping it until his knuckles whitened under the strain.

"Albatross." Her eyes snapped to him instantly, slender brow raising. "I'm sorry."

"The sign. It said 'albatross road'. You wanted to play a highway game. Well, the only one I know is the alphabet game."

Her smile was sweet, though what she uttered was not. "Bitch."

"Excuse me?!" She pointed, and his eyes followed the direction, his face reddening at the sign she had alighted on, a billboard advertising a gentlemen's club, Jabba's Palace, where they could find "any kind of bitch you like!"

"So classy, Rey." He muttered it as she giggled, pointing to another sign. "Casanova."

* * *

They had just about cycled through the alphabet, having been stuck on 'x' for at least half an hour before Kylo blurted out "x-rays!", when Rey nudged him, stifling a small yawn and a grimace. "Think we could pull off soon? I don't know about you, but I gotta pee."

"Jesus Christ, Rey. How ladylike." Kylo winced as she punched his shoulder again. He would have a bruise at the end of this trip if she kept that up. "I thought you liked how blunt I am." The tone could have been accusatory, but he thought he caught a glimmer of hurt under the words.

"No comment." He spied a sign boasting a "Kyber Diner" just ahead if only they pulled off on the exit just ahead. He supposed that if there was ever a time to take a break, stretch their legs, it'd be now. They had been cooped up in the car for at least four hours, going on five, and the fact that Rey's bladder hadn't burst by now was just a testament to her growing up, the man hiding a smirk behind his hand as they drifted into the next lane. He could remember many instances of her whining about needing to pee on long family road trips, usually to craft fairs and the like. He would teach her how to play cards to distract her as his mother and her grandfather chattered in the front seats, their eyes peeled for rest stops.

There was a blossoming of warmth as he glanced over at her, watching her chew her lip in that way she always did, tugging at her hair. It was almost like the old days again, and yet so different. She caught his gaze, stuck her tongue out at him. "Can you hurry up? My bladder doesn't have all day."

He groaned, shaking his head. "Jesus Christ, I should've asked for gas money. Any compensation to put up with this." But still he smiled, and she almost seemed surprised at it, but still, she smiled back, the car crunching gravel as it pulled up to the diner.

The diner looked cozy, to say the least. To say the most, it was an odd mixture of red and brown, as if rust and age couldn't decide which one should outpace the other and so decided to team up. The sign's paint was slightly chipping, but still the paint job was new, and Kylo wouldn't be surprised if it was fixed up the next day, not that he'd be there to see it, the bright green letters shouting "the best moon pies in the galaxy" cheerful enough to put him at ease as he slammed the car door shut, the sound echoing as Rey did the same, her walking stiff and awkward, as if she was about to spring a leak.

"Are you going to make it in, or should I stand guard as you pee on a tree?" Rey scowled up at him, shuffling faster to keep up with his long strides, hissing at him as they went. The bell above the door was rusted, but still gave a loud rattle that announced their presence. Kylo nudged his companion, watched her startle, but nod as he muttered, "I'll grab us a table. I promise I won't drive off while you're in the bathroom."

"You better not." She turned, and nearly bumping into an older gentleman, blushed and excused herself, all but running towards the ladies' room. The host—Cassian, as he grumbled at Kylo as he led him to a table across from the main counter—was a bit older than his mother, but had a bit of that rugged charm that reminded him of his father. The thought made his heart squeeze, but still he smiled gratefully as a woman—Jyn, she called herself—busied herself over him, setting water glasses in front of him, as well as menus, encouraging him to _order a shake, whether he likes to admit it or not, Cassian is the king of confections at this joint._

He turned back to the menu now, his eyes having followed his hostess as she slipped behind the counter, squeezing the hand of who he presumed was her husband, Cassian flashing a smile at her as she swept into the kitchen. He wondered what their relationship had been like, if they bickered, if they fought. He didn't think too deeply, his attention getting pulled up by a question from the counter.

"Sister or wife?"

"Excuse me?" Kylo turned, looking over to the four men who were swiveled on their stools, looking him over with interest and amusement.

"Your companion. Is she your sister or your wife?" The asker was a bit older than Cassian, tall and thin, almost awkward in his question. The man next to him, his tan skin much darker now as he flushed, embarrassed at his companion's question.

"Kay, that's none of our business."

"I'm betting wife!" That came from the Asian man at the end, crowing with delight, the man to his right nodding along with him, stroking his beard thoughtfully.

"Um…it's neither. Honestly. She's just a friend." Kylo expected them to turn away, interest lost, but now Cassian spoke up, his tired eyes lit with interest.

"Neither? How come?"

"She's just a family friend. That's all." There was a knowing look passed amongst the group, as if incredulous, as if expecting Kylo to confess that he was going to pop the question once they left the diner, as if they expected him to confess any and all feelings for Rey on the spot. When he didn't, they all heaved a sigh, perking up with interest again as Rey exited the bathroom, obviously relieved and in better spirits as she slid into the booth.

"You haven't ordered yet, right?" She flopped the menu open, oblivious to the five pairs of eyes watching her and Kylo, as if expecting some romantic gesture, some slip up to happen. He wordlessly shook his head, rubbing his temples, attempting to focus on the menu as Rey chattered, ticking over items of interest.

 _What is it with everyone thinking we're in love? People need to find hobbies because this imaginary relationship is_ not _going to be a thing._ Kylo sighed and shook his head again, looking up periodically to nod along with whatever Rey said as they ate, the man forgetting exactly what he ordered as he forced himself to interact as platonically as he could possibly think, hearing the men mutter and chuckle amongst themselves as they peeked at the pair.

He thought that he had succeeded, that he was in the clear as he slid his debit card into the neat little black booklet, the receipt tucked safely inside. As she came by to pick it up, Jyn set down two shakes in to-go cups, one chocolate, the other vanilla, shrugging at Kylo as he cocked an eyebrow, looked at the receipt again.

"Compliments of the chef," was her only explanation, shrugging again as she tossed a look over her shoulder, rolling her eyes as Kylo's gaze followed, looking at Cassian and company as they grinned toothily at him. Jyn shook her head, her mouth quirking in a smile even as her eyes apologized for her husband and friends, her look fierce as she turned towards them, as if to scold them for their meddling ways.

"That's awfully nice of them." Rey had followed his look, smiling at the men and was now reaching across the table for the chocolate shake, smirking as he scowled at her, relenting as she took a sip and pushed the vanilla one to him. Her accompanying smile was too sweet, and he could feel his ears pinking again, but he didn't know if it was from her or knowing that five old busybodies were watching every move, as if he and Rey starred in their favorite telenovela, as if this was the part they were supposed to get together.

Well, it wasn't, and he wouldn't give them that pleasure. He stood, looking down at her as she took another swig of her shake, nodding with his question of "Are you ready to go?" He turned, and it seemed that in that second of inattention, Rey yelped, pitching forward as she tripped, hands flattening, to-go cup flying as she did. There were a few gasps that went up as the cup hit the floor, splattering, and perhaps the bystanders expected the girl to fall as well, but she didn't.

Kylo didn't know when he had lunged forward, when Rey had fallen against his arms, against his chest, her arms reflexively flying around his waist to anchor herself, but it all had happened in the blink of an eye. The two stood in this awkward embrace for a moment longer, surveying the mess before them. Their mouths both opened, apologies jumbling out, but they weren't heard over the bearded man's grumble:

"Chirrut! You need to keep an eye on your cane! You could've killed someone!" In an instant, Kylo was looking at the five men suspiciously, even as they feigned concern, hid grins behind hands.

"I'll keep an eye out, Baze, whenever God decides to restore my sight. It's been over eighty years though, so don't hold your breath!" The "guilty" man turned to him, and Kylo could have sworn that he winked at him. In an instant, he deflated, any anger dissolving, and a laugh bubbling up instead. Those plucky sons-of-bitches.

"How much for another shake?" He was digging for his wallet in an instant, Rey's hands catching his as she shook her head.

"I was clumsy, Kylo. I don't need another shake." Maybe his brightening mood was getting the best of him, or maybe her cheeks were flushing red under her freckles, her frantic head shaking tossing her hair about.

"It's no big deal, Rey. What flavor do you want?" Her eyes scanned the list, and she was almost timid in how she pointed to the new flavor.

"I've always liked red velvet cake…"

Off to the side, just out of peripheral vision, Cassian patted his friends on the shoulders, murmuring, "If they come back and they're not dating, I'll shut this place down."

"That confident, huh?" Jyn sidled up to him, pecking him on the cheek as he turned away, blending the sweet confection up with a smile, accepting Kylo's money almost begrudgingly.

They listened to the bell tinkle again as the door swung open and shut behind the youngsters, their conversation instantly teasing as they heard the young man joke, "Don't say I never got you anything ever," as the girl tutted at him, as they both sneaked glances at each other. The car peeled out of the parking lot, and Cassian couldn't help but squeeze Jyn's hand with a smile.

"Confident? Hell, I know it."


	4. Chapter 4

The sky was darker than he imagined it would be, the April night struggling to fully take over the little glimpse of sun slinging itself through the trees as the car drove on, signs blurring by. Kylo rubbed his eyes again, attempting to focus, sleep trying to blur his vision, eyelids threatening to droop. He glanced over now to look at a sign, his gaze drifting to the passenger seat where Rey snoozed, her breath fogging up the window every time she exhaled, mouth open, a little drool escaping.

He had to pull his hand back, unsure when he had reached out as if to wipe her chin. The man forced his gaze ahead, the radio lazily humming in the background, the volume turned just low enough that it was still audible, something to keep him awake until they reached the little motel for the night. He snorted at himself, wondering if he could find some audiobook to download on his phone for tomorrow, anything to keep him awake, Celine Dion's warbling too calming for his liking, the song too sweet, a siren's call to sleep.

 _Just twenty more miles…twenty more._ His leg was bouncing steadily now as he passed mile markers, thoughts drifting to keep him occupied.

There had been some worry about that earlier as Kylo had gone over his travel plans once more, ticking over the reservations he made, the sleeping plans, as they had been suitable for one person traveling. Now there was a companion, and he had worried that there wouldn't be enough space, that it would be cramped, but Rey had merely shrugged as she sipped at her shake, eyes trained on the skyline ahead. "It'll be fine, Ben. We've slept in the same bed before, when we were little, remember? All you have to worry about now is keeping your morning wood under control."

He had tensed at this vulgar mention, his ears burning with embarrassment as he opened his mouth, no sound coming out. Maybe she was being nonchalant, maybe she actually didn't care to see his reaction, the girl leaning against the window as she looked out, adding, "Besides, if memory serves right, Poe said that you have a small dick so it's not like I'll even notice when you have a hard-on at 6 am tomorrow morning."

He forced a laugh that almost felt genuine, the humor of it all striking him all too late. "I don't know when Poe told you that, but he hasn't seen me naked since gym class in seventh grade when the fucker stole my towel. His memory sucks." She looked over at him, smile all charm and sweetness before turning sly.

"Really? Even though the two of you streaked at that football game in college?" Kylo groaned, glancing up as if resigned.

"Alright, whatever. I'm not about to have a dick measuring contest with some hearsay."

"Thank God. I'd hate to file a sexual harassment complaint with Chewie. Or worse, your mum." She chuckled at the lone finger he raised at her as he forced his glare on the road ahead, harrumphing all the while.

The time had slipped away from that moment, just hours before, silence slipping over the two, Rey giving into her exhaustion and leaving Kylo…lonely, perhaps, though he wouldn't tell her that. Heaven forbid she think that her chatter, her taunts were preferable to silence and his own thoughts.

His mind flickered back to the diner, to that annoying question, his gut tightening as it resounded loudly in his ears. _Sister or wife?_

"Neither." He muttered darkly, nodding to himself as he took in the mile marker promising that their exit was coming up, that the Jakku Motor Inn was coming up on the right in eight miles.

His words were true—she wasn't related to him, had never been, despite how close their families were. And he definitely was not married to her. _Yet,_ a meddling thought supplied unhelpfully, and he scowled, his foot reflexively hitting the gas in his frustration, taking them faster…faster…and then her slim hand was on his arm, her head on his shoulder as she shifted over, eyes heavy, almost bewildered as she looked up into his face.

Her hair was a mess, and there was still a thread of wet from her drool slipping down her chin, but his heart seized up, his mind bombarding him with lewd suggestions and reinterpretations of her look, especially now as she smiled sleepily, almost attempting to snuggle into him. He forced his eyes on the road, his hands gripping the wheel as he tapered off the gas pedal.

"Are we there yet?"

Kylo remembered when that question, when uttered from this same girl, would drive him insane. When he would repeat the question back at her in a high-pitched tone until she cried, his yells of "I didn't do anything, though!" overpowering her wails.

Now, so many years later, he sighed, leaning down, murmuring into her hair, "Not yet, Rey. Go back to sleep. We'll be there soon."

There was that sleepy grin again, her face nuzzling into the smooth leather sleeve of his jacket, her sweater soft as it bunched against him, scrunching up her arms as her hands took his arm captive, leaving him with just one hand on the wheel. "Whatever you say, jackass," was the warm and drowsy response, and despite the name, Kylo felt a smile curl up on his lips and settle, a peace blanketing his mind as well.

* * *

The man who greeted them from behind the front desk had wandering eyes, a fact that had Kylo all but glaring at him as he attempted to make conversation with Rey, her smile toothy in her nervousness. As the man let his fat fingers trip along the motel's key box, muttering to himself about where he put that damn key, that he was only expecting one guest, not two in this room, the girl looked up at her companion, smile shrinking a molar or two, apologetic, kicking at her overnight bag nervously.

"I'm sorry again for punching you. I wasn't expecting to wake up…" Her sentence trailed off, but Kylo could finish it, rubbing his sore jaw. _I wasn't expecting to wake up in your arms._ He hadn't expected her to either. He had tried to wake her up, nudging her, shaking her, all but shouting in her ear, but she had slept on. His only solution was to shrug it off, unbuckle her seatbelt and to carry her in, as suspicious as it would look.

And for his trouble? She had woken up in a panic, clocking him squarely with an uppercut to the jaw, his ears still ringing now, despite her profuse apologies.

"It's fine. Just remind me to tell your future partner not to try to carry you over the threshold or whatever that wedding bullshit is." His voice was low, her responding giggle loud enough to prick Plutt's ears, head jerking around as far and as fast as his thick neck would allow.

"So tell me, are you brother and sister?" The short fat man's eyes were beady and hungry as he looked at Rey, tongue darting out to wet his cracked lips. Kylo found himself digging his nails into his palms, fists tight and leaving little red half-moon marks into the skin. Instinct screamed for him to push the man away, maybe even punch him in the nose, but Rey spoke up before he could even think of acting.

"No. Newlyweds." The girl's gaze was cool, as if unfazed by the fact that the innkeeper and her "husband" both looked at her with mouths agape, eyes wide. Plutt sputtered now as Kylo instantly looped an arm around Rey's shoulder, finding it almost too natural, especially as she nuzzled into his side, the picture of devotion, as if they needed to convince this stranger. "We're on our way back home." She batted her eyelashes, stage-whispering to the bewildered man, "We eloped."

In an instant, the hunger had disappeared from the man's visage, his eyes holding only fear as he looked up at Kylo and how he loomed protectively over the petite woman. "My apologies! Let me get you the key to the motel suite. More space for…" His words failed him, and he gestured helplessly, the two "newlyweds" glancing at each other amused as the poor man struggled.

Leaving the flustered man behind the desk, eyes wide, almost shaking, key safely tucked in his pocket, Kylo looked down at Rey as the office's screen door banged behind them, his eyebrow raised. "Newlyweds?"

She shrugged, counting down the numbers on the doors they passed, finger aloft and bouncing as she counted. "Oldest trick in the book. Poe taught me. Always gets you the biggest room available _and_ gets creeps to stop looking at your chest."

He barked a laugh, shaking his head as they halted before their motel cabin for the night, the key clicking in the lock. "Of course Poe taught you. Well, I'll have to thank him when we get back." He frowned as he fished his phone from his pocket, the little 'x' in the corner of his screen making him sigh. "Great. No service."

Rey laughed, stretching as she twirled, eyes taking the room in. "I mean, it _is_ the honeymoon suite. I don't think anyone expects someone to spend their wedding night on the phone _if you know what I mean."_ Her wink was unnecessary, the accompanying finger guns cheesy, but still he chuckled, rolling his eyes once more as he swiped a few pillows from the bed, tossing them on the floor.

"Well, _sweetheart,_ you can rest easy. I don't plan to do anything but sleep, thank you very much." Rey grinned at him, brow furrowing as she watched him settle on the floor.

"Ben, what are you doing?"

"What does it look like? I'll sleep on the floor; you take the bed."

"God, you're such an idiot. The bed is fucking huge. Are you afraid of cooties or something?" She patted the spot next to her as she set on the bed, kicking her shoes off and tucking her feet under her now, patting the spot again impatiently. Kylo's mind flickered back to Poe's command— _no bed-sharing—_ and sighed, relinquishing his spot on the floor and plopping the pillows back on the bed.

"Happy?" He grumbled as he settled in, trying not to focus on how wide Rey smiled as if she planned to make this night difficult all along, clapping her hands in mock delight.

"Oh, Kylo, at last, my love." She deadpanned, rolling her eyes with a laugh as she pushed herself up. "Yes, silly. You can thank me when your back isn't fucked up in the morning, Solo."

" _You can thank me in the morning when your back isn't fucked up."_ It was immature of him to imitate her, to resort to childhood strategy, but there was an anxious thought creeping up, along the back of his neck as she rolled her eyes, excused herself to the bathroom, muttering "How original, Kylo," under her breath.

She wouldn't let him live it down should his arms wind up around her at any point in the night, he was sure. He had to take precautions, as silly as it seemed. This wasn't a war, this was a girl, and this was him, and they knew each other. They had grown up together, for god's sake! Despite his mind squabbling with itself, Kylo let himself get to work, pulling the last pillow into place as Rey emerged from the bathroom.

She took in the wall of pillows that pristinely cut the bed in half and snorted, rolling her eyes. "God, you're such a nerd." Still, she said nothing more, oversized sleep shirt and baggy shorts comfortable and thankfully shapeless enough as Kylo clicked the light off, shimmying out of his pants, his underwear and t-shirt just fine for the night.

He waited for his eyes to droop, his breathing to slow, but sleep evaded him as blankets twisted around his feet, his shifting constant, trying to find comfort. He finally settled on his back, forcing his eyes shut and to take deep breaths, attempting to calm his thudding heart, waiting to drift off as he listened to Rey squirm against the bedsheets on the other side of the soft barrier. There was silence, and he felt himself start to doze, the hushed voice in the darkness putting his mind on alert but not his body.

"Kylo?" There was a pause, and then she whispered his name again, a bit louder now as if she was testing the waters. She sighed, the bed shifting again, and Kylo supposed that she rolled on her side, away from him, content to wait until morning for whatever she needed at the moment.

When he felt her hand, small and smooth, on his chest, patting up until she reached his neck and then continued down to find his shoulder, he started, bewildered. What was she doing? He opened his mouth, ready to tell her to go back to sleep, that her dreams were weird, to keep her hands on her side of the wall, but in an instant, his breath was caught in his throat as her hand curled around his hand, the one closest to her, her thumb smoothing circles onto his palm.

His nose crinkled at the sensation, the touch light, finding callouses and ticklish spots on his palm that he wasn't aware of, and he wanted to sit up, retrieve his hand and retreat to the floor, but then she sighed, her breaths lengthening until they were slow, languid, peaceful, like the patterns she was stroking into his skin.

Kylo knew that when he woke up in the morning that the pillow defenses would be down, that she would have let go of his hand, maybe even claim that he had breached the barrier he had set up, but he couldn't find it in him to care. Sleep tugged at him insistently now, and he surrendered, letting himself be pulled deeply, Rey's content and sleepy sigh being the last thing to reach his ears before the world ceased to exist, if but for a moment.


	5. Chapter 5

She hadn't slept that well in weeks. Even now as she stretched, banishing yawns and stiff limbs from the uncomfortable mattress, Rey felt refreshed, as if she had gained back ten years of her life in a single night, her grin bright even as her joints popped with every stretch. Her mood was brighter than it had been for the past year, but she didn't wonder at it, her cheeks warming as she glanced back to the motel's office, waiting for her companion to emerge from haggling the motel room's price with the manager. She let her arms drop to her side, hands slipping down to cradle each other, one clammy palm meeting one that seemed to burn hot. 

Her hand was still warm from Kylo's touch the night before. The girl stifled a smile as she leaned against the car's trunk, absentmindedly trying to mimic his loose grip on her right hand with her left, leaving her hands twined together and her heart stammering just a little bit. The bright feeling didn't worry her—she had a rational, sane explanation for that, after all. 

When she was younger, she had been a clingy child, always needing a hand stroking her hair, an arm around her, before she fell asleep. It was an aspect of childhood that was deeply ingrained, that reminded her of home, like the smell of her grandfather's favorite brown bathrobe, Leia making cookies on Friday mornings while Luke snuck coffee and cookie dough to the kids, Kylo's taunting. 

But it was a habit that she thought she had outgrown, especially when she got to college, where she slept alone or at an arm's length, out of the grasp of some over-zealous one night stands (they never got past third base—no one had) and even the few serious boyfriends she had had. So it should be significant that the moment she had crawled into bed with Kylo, she had reached for his hand, right? It should be significant that her friend, sometimes confidante, the (albeit awkward) subject of more than a few erotic dreams, Kylo of all people, brought this dormant habit back from the depths of her memory. 

And it was, she supposed, letting her hands fall apart as she hoisted herself to sit on the car's backend, letting her feet swing as she thought. Her fingers drummed along with her heart, her nails tapping pleasantly against the metal while her heart pounded on, trying to find some simple meaning that still allowed them to go on platonically. There was no answer like that though, and so her mind wandered, eyes lifting, lazily watching the clouds. 

"Are you ready?" Kylo's deep voice pulled her up and out of her thoughts too quick, and Rey startled, settling for a frown to mask her surprise. 

"What took you so long?" He rolled her eyes at her attempted scowl, shrugging as she hopped down from the car's trunk, both rounding to their respective doors. 

"He was trying to say we conned him, that we weren't newlyweds." Rey blanched, but still, she quirked an eyebrow, tugging at the door handle, impatient for Kylo to unlock the doors. 

"What did you do? Did you 'fess up?" 

"Jesus, Rey, what do you take me for? A terrible liar?" He ignored her muttering that it was true, he was a terrible liar, instead focusing on retrieving the keys from his pocket, making her wait for an answer. "I convinced him that we're married, no question about it." 

"And how the fuck did you do that, oh wise one?" There was that smirk of his, and Rey cursed at how her heart squeezed with giddiness at it, his thumb flicking the door lock finally allowing her to slide into the passenger seat. 

"I decided to tell him how we spent the night, in _graphic_ detail." Despite knowing that they did anything but, Rey felt her cheeks burn hot, gritting her teeth and scowling at him. "I may have mentioned that one birthmark of yours, the one on your…" 

"Shut up! Shut up, Kylo. I swear to god, you have no shame!" He laughed at her blushing, the car rattling as he revved the engine and they lurched forward and peeled out of the motel's driveway, leaving dust clouds and mortification in their wake. 

* * *

"Kylo? I'm bored." The man sighed, sparing a glance over at Rey as she sat, arms crossed, almost sullen as she watched cars pass them by, trees blurring as they sped past. He spared another glance, and now her hazel eyes were on him, hand outstretched as if to tug on his sleeve. He shouldn't have felt so flustered at the prospect of her simply touching him, but he was and he yanked his gaze away. 

"You should have brought a book. Or downloaded a game on your phone. I'm busy right now." She hummed at him, watching his dark eyes flicker from sign to sign, checking for their next exit, his face set in a scowl as the GPS on his phone chirped at him, declaring that in the next two miles, they should keep right at the fork. 

"I'm not asking you to play the ABC game with me again. I just want to talk." She saw how he tensed as if he dreaded the prospect, and so she let herself lapse into silence, hand drifting to the radio dial, the wordless jazz song disappearing with static— _bzzbt!—_ and being replaced with some girl group on the closest Top 40 station. Rey looked at Kylo, expecting him to grunt at her before turning the station back, but he seemed to be looking at everything but her, knuckles white as his hands clutched the steering wheel. His eyes darkened with annoyance, but the glare that escaped his eyes wasn't even tossed in her direction, and she wondered what she had done wrong. 

With the silence pressing down between them, she instantly felt like a child again, wanting to grow small in the passenger seat, tucking her feet up under her. There was that age-old distance, the one she thought had been so short the past two days, that re-asserted itself, reminded her that to Kylo, she was just a pesky little girl, someone he was saddled with out of nostalgic obligation. He only tolerated her antics, and the fact that the realization didn't surprise her made it hurt that much more. 

The pit in her stomach deepened as the seconds ticked by, as he found the exit they needed but still didn't spare a word, not even a glance in her direction, even as they drove onto open road, another car not in sight for miles, no need for his rapt attention on the mile markers popping up like the spiking of her heartbeat. Her heart didn't know whether to sink with her stomach or to rise to her throat, to make it hard to breathe, to make it feel as if she was about ready to cry. 

But why? There was no reason for her to be offended. They were just friends. He didn't owe her attention. _But he held my hand…_ Rey shoved the thought down, forced her face to turn stony, averting her gaze out her window, to the sky, following the sun as they raced with it, seemingly attempting to catch up with it, just another impossible task. After yesterday, she had thought things were different, that maybe he recognized that she wasn't some silly little kid anymore, that she had grown, that she was an equal now. Apparently not, and she had no choice but to be fine with it. 

She took solace in the radio, the songs sweet and catchy, her fingers tapping along the door handle, the window ledge. If he wanted to ignore her and remain silent, fine, she'd let him. Rey had almost settled into the resignation of it all when the radio cut off and she felt a gentle nudge on her shoulder. She resisted looking back at him, but the gentle nudge was followed by another, and then another, devolving into a series of pokes that traveled up and down her side. She shrieked when he poked her underarm, whirling around to swat his hand away. 

"Quit it!" If Kylo noticed that she said it with gritted teeth, he didn't say anything, merely moving his hand back to the steering wheel all too casually, as if he was innocent. 

"Still bored?" 

He tried to ignore how she glared at him, how acidic her tone was as she crossed her arms, huffing, "Still don't want to talk?" 

"What would we even talk about, Rey? Hmm?" Kylo watched her falter, struggling to come up with a topic. He had one on the tip of his tongue— _last night—_ but he doubted that it meant anything. He remembered when she was little, maybe five or six years old, his hand would go numb from patting her head so she could nap on car rides home from the annual Kenobi-Skywalker campouts. 

Holding Rey's hand was platonic if anything. That's what he kept trying to convince himself, the mantra he had been chanting in his head over and over again for the past two hours. He had almost convinced himself too, but then he looked at her again and it came all undone. 

She was looking at him now, hazel eyes wary as she bit her lip, as waiting for him to resurface from his thoughts. "We could play twenty questions if you'd like?" Her voice was soft as if she was expecting him to reject her compromise, as if she was exhausted and just wanted him to be happy with her. 

"Sure. You can ask the first question." The drive seemed easier now that he wasn't forcing himself to ignore her, to try and persuade himself that any sweetness meant nothing, that it's just reflex. His grip on the steering wheel seemed to ease up as she smiled. 

"Where did you get that stupid nickname from? 'Kylo Ren'?" He groaned, suddenly regretting his agreement, a smile still stirring on his lips involuntarily. 

"What have you heard about it?" 

"Poe claims that you joined a biker gang sophomore year of college." 

"Jesus Christ… I wish. That's a lot cooler than how I actually got it." He paused, squinting at a passing sign, letting himself relax. "I played a lot of Dungeons and Dragons in college. Like too much. By the time I finally attempted to get a social life outside of my dorm and the DnD club, everyone knew what a nerd I was." 

"Oh my god, you fucking geek." The laughter bubbling from Rey was comforting, and with anyone else, he would have—should have—been embarrassed. But for the price of her laughter, her fond gaze, he supposed that it was worth it. 

"Yeah, yeah, yuk it up, giggle pants. Like you don't have any embarrassing stories." She giggled still, and the game continued, the pair trading questions, the call and response natural and a relief to them both. 

"Who was your first kiss?" Rey tensed at this question, glancing at Kylo, unsure. She didn't understand it, but there was dread pitching up into her throat, coating her taste buds with bile. She wasn't sure why the feeling flooded her, why she would be worried if he didn't like the answer. She was just the pesky younger sister figure. She owed him nothing. 

"You answer first." She tried to make herself relax, ignoring how her fingernails dug into her palms, how she curled her hands into fists as he pondered, his hands smooth on the steering wheel as he guided the car into the next lane, onto the next exit. 

"Remember Bazine Netal? About my age, maybe a grade younger in high school? She was…well, she was a lot of my firsts." He expected derisive laughter, for her to rib him for losing his first kiss and virginity at presumably at the same time. He maybe even hoped to see a flash of horror to cross her face, flood her eyes, some sign of life, some sort of interest. There was only a blank look, maybe a tremor about her lips. 

"Oh. At a party?" 

"Yeah." They lapsed into silence for a moment, though it felt longer. There was anxiety gnawing at Kylo's windpipe, and it seemed difficult to even suck in a breath. "So who was your first kiss? Anyone I know?" 

Rey knew that he was trying to keep it light, make it playful, remind her that it was just a game, that this was nothing serious— _just like them_ , an intrusive thought murmured, pressing against her skull. She rolled her shoulders into a nonchalant shrug, picked at her jeans, looking for a loose string on her Henley, tugging the long sleeves to cover her hands, keep her distracted. 

"Armitage Hux. I think he was a grad assistant in your major? Business something or other? Well, anyways, he took me out to dinner and kissed me at the end of the night. Nothing special. I think that was maybe sophomore year of college? No, no, sorry. Freshman year." 

There was a jealous flame that had begun to flicker up at the beginning of her statement but at the end of it? Kylo was practically consumed by it, biting the inside of his cheek so hard that he could taste the blood that coated his tongue with a vengeance. _Stupid, stupid boy._

He knew Hux like Rey knew Bazine—passing acquaintances, but there was something about them that dug deep under the skin, aroused anger and doubt in one fell swoop. Hux had been an underclassman of his, and when Rey was a freshman, Kylo had just gotten out of grad school, was moving on to his doctorate in business, leaving the campus behind for a university just a few blocks away. Leaving her behind and to her own devices. To him, it hadn't mattered that his godfather had asked him to keep an eye on her, keep her safe, help her out. It hadn't mattered that Poe had echoed those sentiments, that his father had fixed him with a stern look, a muttered, "She's only going there because you are." 

It hadn't mattered then, and now his heart was screaming at him and his betrayal. _It should have mattered then, you selfish prick._

A few years ago, he couldn't have been bothered with where Rey went, who Rey saw, even though she was in the same city as he was, roaming the same campus that he had just vacated. Now he cursed himself, remembering how, during the fall semester of her first year, his phone was constantly buzzing from her asking him how he was, what he was doing? Could he help her study, did he want to grab dinner when he was free? She missed him. 

His answer (if he did answer, a thought that made him wince now) was always terse, perhaps even cruel. _Can't. Sorry._

When winter semester had crawled into view, the long holiday break seeing them both back at home, his phone had fallen silent. She no longer texted him, no longer asked to see him. There was no requests for help, no silly questions. He had assumed that she had figured everything out, that the training wheels were off, that she was fine. Looking back now, he could only recognize that he had merely been replaced, that Hux had probably all too gladly had stepped in, offering guidance and later, support. Feelings. Kisses, and maybe more. 

The thought of Rey even considering the prospect of sleeping with Hux made him want to gag, his stomach churning in distaste. "Did you…?" 

"Did I what, Kylo?" Her voice was weary, as if she had a headache, as if she hated this conversation more than he did. "Did I fuck him? Is that what you want to know?" There was a sound of disgust that curled around her tongue as he nodded slowly, his eyes once again stuck ahead as if he was afraid of losing control on the wheel or even the situation if his gaze strayed. 

"No, Kylo, I _didn't_ fuck him. Not like it's any of your business anyways." 

"Who did you lose it to, then?" He knew he crossed a line the moment the words tumbled out of his mouth, accusations and hurt giving the words a bite that made Rey recoil before she flared. 

" _No one_ , you ass! No one! I didn't fuck anyone in college because I had no time and because of …because…" She had every right to be angry with him, but as she faltered, breathless, he pounced, snarling. 

"Because of what, Rey? No one lived up to your lofty standards?" 

"You're the reason for those lofty standards, you bastard!" The sudden silence rang in her ears, but even as Kylo's mouth dropped, as it gaped, like a fish exposed to the air, she couldn't stop the tumult of words springing from her lips. 

"I had the most _idiotic, unfounded, unfair_ crush on you since I was sixteen! Up until I got to college! Not that you noticed; no of course not, you were Ben Solo, a big man on campus, able to _fuck any girl you so pleased!_ You don't think I didn't hear? Poe told me _everything_ because I was a _fucking idiot_ and asked about you all the time! I cried myself to sleep over you so goddamn much and you were so fucking obsessed with yourself that you didn't notice. No, I'm sorry—you probably noticed. You _just didn't care_ , huh? Why would you? I was just some silly girl who didn't know better, right?" 

"Rey, I…" 

"What, are you sorry? Are you sorry, _Ben_? It doesn't matter if you are—I'm fine! More than fine! I don't like you that way anymore, and I have Armitage to thank for that! So you might as well write him a fucking 'thank you' note because he got that annoying girl you grew up with out of your hair!" 

"Rey, would you just listen?!" 

"No! You fucking listen to me, Ben Solo—you will not begrudge me for my first kiss just because you fucking feel guilty for being a shitty friend as soon as you left Takodana. We owe each other nothing. In fact…" Rey forced herself to take a breath, her lungs aching, face burning. Her cheeks were wet, and she wasn't sure when she had begun crying, but she didn't care, gulping for air. Beside her, Kylo practically cowered, his face pale and aghast, his eyes wide and apologetic. 

"In fact, Kylo, maybe it would be best if we never talked again after this car ride. In the meantime…" 

Her glare was fierce as she turned away from him, sneering despite the tears that caught at her throat, her mind begging her to realize that she didn't mean it, that she was just angry, that she didn't hate him. She shoved those considerations away, forced her eyes on the world past the window's glass, her words barely above a whisper, hissing past gritted teeth: 

"In the meantime, don't you dare begrudge me for a moment that you never wanted to take part of. Don't you dare." 

Kylo didn't say anything, and maybe that was best, Rey mused, watching other cars and their many colors blur by, their passengers oblivious to how her heart threatened to shatter, how it twisted. She considered stopping her tears, biting her lip with the effort until she decided no, to let the tears flow, her small frame shuddering against the car door as she gave into the sobs. 

If he did apologize, the murmur soft and low, it wasn't until long after she had succumbed to exhaustion, eyes heavy and swollen, nose dripping, her movements restless as she slept on, the car smoothly passing through towns, past cornfields and thick woods, past lowing cows and silos, into a night that was dark and deep and lonesome.


	6. Chapter 6

The drive had become monotonous the moment she ceased talking. He knew better than to say anything more, at least tonight. He had seen her angry before—but never with him, and it left a tang in his mouth that was reminiscent of the taste of morning breath and whiskey. Something awful and pungent.

Kylo's eyes ached, and he wasn't sure if it was from exhaustion that threatened to snap his eyes shut, to send him sliding into sleep, or if it was something else. He was fairly sure of what it could be, but he didn't cry much, so he wanted to rule it out. The last time he did, it was hours after people had drifted away from his father's graveside when he was alone, no one to pat him consolingly. He hadn't wanted that then, and he didn't want that now, his chest tight and his throat thick. His lungs burned with the effort of not collapsing into sobs, burned with the force of every gulping breath, his window cracked just enough to get a cold breeze along the back of his neck, across his face, stirring his beard, tickling his skin, keeping him awake.

He kept the radio on, the pop songs dissolving into the next like sugar floss on a tongue, temporary and fleeting. If he was by himself right now, as he had planned to be, the radio dial wouldn't have budged from his usual jazz station. But he wasn't alone, even if he felt completely but righteously abandoned. Rey snoozed on in the passenger seat, her legs curled up, her back to him. Her hands clutched her cell phone, and Kylo was sure that he'd have more than a few text messages from Poe and maybe Finn when he got to the next town, to the next little crappy motel. Still, he kept the radio tuned to her station, just in case she woke up, just in case this was the little thing that could put their friendship back together.

(He wasn't foolish—he knew it wouldn't.)

He wasn't angry with her—if he was, it was only that she hadn't called him out on it earlier, and he knew that she didn't have the chance. How could she have, seeing that he was the son of her former boss, and now her current boss?

She couldn't have said a cross word at all, not when she made it known from day one how badly she had needed the job, her first shift so long ago but still so vivid with her smiles. He remembered that phone call, the contact that had broken the silence, the shame in her voice that she tried to hide with a laugh. If there had been any resentment, any hurt, she had shoved it aside, had worked through it with every mixed drink, every late shift, and he winced as he remembered teasing her about swallowing her pride to come work with the Solos.

She hadn't swallowed pride—just her feelings, and Kylo let himself wonder if she still possibly had those feelings. Well, if she _had,_ before tonight. Even if she did, there was no chance for them to explore that, not after what transpired. That future was gone.

How his throat tightened, how he choked on a whimper, catching the sound between his lips with a bite… just the sadness that spiked his heart almost caught him off guard. The accompanying realization was greeted with a dry chuckle, the irony of it bitter: there was something more lurking in his heart for Rey. How obvious it had been for everyone else, he wasn't sure, but he laughed again at how dense he was, the feelings bubbling up and bursting with small _pops._ Of course, it had taken jealousy and confrontation to force it up and center for him. But that didn't change the situation—if anything, it made it worse, made it painful.

If he was alone, he'd slam on the car brakes, take a moment away from the road to muddle through it all, to collect himself, to cry. But he couldn't—he'd be delaying Rey from being back home, from her friends, from getting away from him. His eyes flickered to her now, the girl oblivious to his swirling thoughts, and he jerked his gaze away, ashamed. His eyes, in their haste to look away, alighted on a billboard that made him pull up short, memories flooding and flashing against his mind's eye.

 _Visit Naboo's Flower Festival! April 23rd-April 30th!_

Naboo. It had been some time since either of them had visited that town. There had been many summer trips there growing up, and the last time he had been there, Rey had been trying to convince his mother and her grandfather to take them out of school for the flower fest. She wanted to see the tweedia bloom, a flower that a younger Ben Solo had snorted at and said she was making up. (She proved him wrong with an encyclopedia entry and then a swat up the head, even though she had to stand on a chair to reach.)

There was that flower again, soft blue and star-shaped, on the billboard, in the corner, and there was a tug at his heart. "We should go." He didn't realize that he said it out loud until Rey shifted, rolling over to look at him with sleep-heavy eyes, confused.

"We should go where?" There wasn't anger tingeing her voice at the moment, sleep softening it to be gentle, almost timid. Kylo felt himself flush, almost patting her shoulder until he realized his movement, pulled his hand back.

"You'll see. Go back to sleep." She snuffed at him, nestling down against the seat, her face still towards him. In the passing lights along the highway, each flash illuminating her countenance for just a second, she looked almost peaceful, but there was still tension sitting on her brow, crinkling her forehead. Kylo wondered if stopping at Naboo would ease her mind, make him bearable in her eyes or if it'd be a fool's errand, if the damage was done.

He mulled it over, eyes flickering from road signs to the occasional light that blurred by. There was a nervousness nudging at him, trying to remind him of that reservation they made in the town about thirty miles away, of the fact that Naboo was a hundred miles away, at least, that there was still a lengthy drive ahead, and what would they do about a room with the festival being in full swing? No, no this plan wasn't well thought at all, this plan was reckless and probably not worth it, right?

In the back of his mind, Kylo knew that there was validity to these worried thoughts, that the reasons to be afraid had barely touched upon Rey's reaction. Would it be good? Would she be indifferent? Would it matter in the scheme of things, if she only went along to appease him, anything to ease the way back home, anything to get rid of him as soon as possible? He thought all of these things, but his heart squeezed as he thought of her smile if things did go well. If this plan was worth going off schedule. The car chimed at him, signaling a low gas tank, and as he pulled off on the next exit, following the road to the nearest gas station, his mind resolved itself.

 _Nothing ventured is nothing gained,_ he mused as he stood outside, listless as the gas pump gurgled, depositing the gas that would carry him and Rey the rest of the way home. But first, Naboo, a thought solidifying into a fact as he went to pay, asking the tired clerk behind the counter if he had a map or directions to the little city.

Rey was still sleeping as he slid into the driver's seat, and he indulged himself for a moment, reaching over her to lay her seat back, her figure hunched in what looked like a terribly uncomfortable position. She shifted immediately when he leaned away, yawning and cracking her eyes open at him again.

"How much longer? Are we close?"

"Not yet. I'm going to try driving a bit further tonight. To make the drive shorter tomorrow." The white lie stumbled from his lips, and he wished that he could spoil the surprise. He didn't want to lie to her in any way. Not after he had already hurt her so much.

Her smile was a bit more awake now, and she sat up, blinking dazedly at the reclined seat before she adjusted it again. "It's already tomorrow, smart one." She gestured at the dashboard's clock, which blinked back that it was a little after 1 am. He let himself chuckle, allowed himself to ease at her serene expression. Still, he cleared his throat, started the engine, glanced at her.

"You can go back to sleep if you want. The backseat may be better for your back if you want to lay down while we're stopped." Even in the blinking fluorescents of the gas station, even with mussed hair and sleep-bruised eyes, she was beautiful, hazel eyes brighter now she honed in on the song the radio was playing, the smile softening now to a content simper, her reply quiet.

"I'll make sure you stay awake. I don't mind." Kylo felt his mouth drop just a little bit with surprise, and she looked as if she was expecting shock and disgust at her own suggestion to lance her, to change her mind, but the smile remained, and she shrugged. "We don't have to talk. I'll only yell at you if I think you're falling asleep."

There was a tinge of bitterness there, a bit of hurt as if she expected him to gladly accept that, especially after the fallout just hours earlier. "No, no. I'd like to talk…if that's alright with you." He weighed his words carefully in his head, but still, they felt wrong, felt rushed when they left his mouth, and he worried that she'd think him insincere, only trying to mitigate the awkwardness.

Rey's smile was dazzling, if not a bit unsure, and she scooted back in her seat, put her feet up on the dashboard. "Okay. What do you want to talk about?"

"Whatever you want me to talk about." He saw her brow raise, her mouth open to question. "I mean it," he added, watching her forehead smooth, tension draining from her visage as she settled in, turned the radio up a smidge more.

"Okay then."

It wasn't silent anymore, and yes, it felt like they were dancing around and away from the conversation earlier…but that was okay. In the morning, they'd talk. In the morning, they'd be in Naboo, and it would be better. Kylo listened to Rey laugh at a story of his, losing track of which one he just told her (was it about his chemistry lab freshmen year of college, or his first shift as manager at the bar?), a smile settling on his lips as they drove on, the girl's eyes never leaving his face, never wandering onto the signs pointing the way to Naboo.


	7. Chapter 7

Rey woke up in a cocoon of warmth and with the cry of seagulls far off. The lack of movement disturbed her, made her wonder if they had stopped again. For a moment, she struggled to open her eyes, her body relaxing as it tried to coax her back to sleep, but her mind was on high alert and she jerked up, sleep dulling her thoughts even as she tried to shake it off.

She was in a bed. She didn't remember getting in a bed—then again, she didn't remember walking in this room, morning light lazily streaming through a partially drawn curtain, the comforter settled on her lap a warm crème with a blue seashell print. Above her, the fan revolved lazily, stark white against the light robin's egg hue of the ceiling, and she let herself lower back down against the mattress, the feather top sinking pleasantly beneath her limbs, cradling her like a lover would. It was cozy, and somehow reminded her of home, and she was tempted to roll over and go back to sleep, to accept this as maybe a dream but mostly as something to ask Kylo about later.

 _Kylo. Where is he?_ Rey was on her feet in moments, panicked, scrambling to stand upright even as she found herself hopping, one foot entangled in sheets still. She could feel herself about to fall as she wobbled, arms out to steady, but doing nothing. She let herself fall along the end of the bed, bouncing a bit as she did, huffing in defeat, gnawing on her lip with worry.

Where is he? She wracked her brain, picked apart her memory. She remembered waking up at the gas station, of listening to Kylo talk. Things still weren't as they were between them, but it was better, she hoped. She had purposely avoided bringing up what she had said, even though he had promised that he meant it when he agreed to talk about whatever she wanted to. She didn't want to bring up how raw her heart was, didn't want to give him the chance to add insult to injury, to pour salt on her wound. So, she just asked simple questions, trying to clarify those years that she had missed out on with him, the years that she was hopelessly stuck tending a flame for him.

She knew that that itself had been risky—what if he talked about past girlfriends, or one night stands? What if he still didn't care about what she was feeling—no, what she felt, she corrected herself, but to no avail. But he didn't talk about that at all.

He talked about Han, about Leia, about how his uncle Luke had him terrified of just about anything, claiming that certain things had contributed to him losing a hand back in the day, from the cookie jar to the car door. He talked about all the times he should have been fired from the bar but hadn't. He talked about what he remembered from their childhood, and she had tried to fight the storm of butterflies that had raced through her stomach and up to her heart when he had glanced at her then, eyes warm brown and not unlike the hot chocolate his mom used to make her every time she stopped by. His smile had been sweet (she chalked it up to nostalgia, nothing more) and had she wanted to, his hand was within reach. She wondered if he would have run his thumb across her knuckles if they held hands, if her palms would sweat, if both of her small hands could fit into one of his large ones.

Rey had laughed more than she thought would be possible in the wake of their fallout and she almost wished that she could have pulled her eyes off him, but she didn't mind that he was the last thing she saw last night. Despite the hurt. Despite the pain. She closed her eyes now, remembering how warm she had felt as they had driven along, despite open window's cold breeze, the old car taking various bumps with grace, lulling her back to sleep, the man's voice soothing in her ears.

Now she wasn't sure where he was, and despite the bit of resentment and hurt she was still nursing, panic and concern were taking over, and she fretted, trying to force herself to remain calm. A long, low snore cut through her thoughts, and she didn't know whether to laugh or cry as she peeked over the bed's edge and there was Kylo—sprawled on his back, shirtless with the blanket tossed and tangled around his legs, his arms overhead, a little stream of drool escaping his mouth and attempting to slide down onto his chin.

It was a moment too late when she realized her mistake, leaning forward to wipe his face, shaking her head all the while, her grip on the bed nonexistent, and her balance unreliable. Kylo's eyes had just cracked open before they widened as Rey lost her balance, plummeting off the bed.

"Shit!" The fall was a short one, the landing awkward, two bodies meeting haphazardly, the only sound from impact being the air escaping Kylo's lungs, an oddly strangled grunt as Rey's dead weight landed squarely on his stomach.

He was still gasping when Rey glanced up at his face, tried to ignore how soft his beard looked, how his hair was messy, almost curly, in the morning, opting instead to simply fold her hands on his chest to rest her chin on as she waited for him to recover. Common sense told her to move, especially as she felt something hard brush against her thigh as Kylo shifted, as if to redistribute her weight. She felt the back of her neck flush, knowing that the color was rising to her cheeks, but she pretended that she didn't notice. This was Kylo, after all. He'd never think of her sexually, so she wouldn't think of him that way either.

"Hello." Her voice was too nonchalant for the position she had just put herself in. Despite himself, despite just having regained his breath, the man allowed himself to laugh, rolling his eyes at the ceiling as he let his head fall back before raising it again to look at her.

"Good morning. Was the bed not comfortable enough?"

"Oh, the bed was comfortable enough. I'm surprised that you weren't in it." The implication of her words seemed to dawn on her, and Kylo bit back a gleeful smirk as she stuttered, "I mean, you could have put up a pillow wall. I didn't want you in bed necessarily. Or at least with me. Necessarily."

She sat up, making sure to avoid his lap, settling for his stomach. They both stared at each other for a long moment, as if they were trying to take stock of the other's face, taking note of every flicker of the other's eyelids, the tremor in their lips, the color in their cheeks.

"Are you going to get off?" Kylo's voice was soft, almost gravelly, and Rey swallowed thickly, trying to convince herself that she was imagining things if his eyes did grow darker, his tone dark like honey.

"I'll get off when I damn well please." He knew that she wasn't speaking in euphemisms, that if anything she was trying to keep it innocent, her voice light and playful, but an argument could be made to say that she was, her hips shifting back as if to get comfortable, a groan trying to force its way out of his throat as she brushed against his hardness. She was biting her lip, and if it wasn't for the night before, Kylo would have her pinned to his chest, his mouth on hers as he rolled her over, so that she was caged in his arms, trapped by his hips…

But the fact remained that they were ignoring the problem, and so he kept his hands fisted at his side, forced his mind onto other things, anything to get rid of any evidence of his arousal. Kylo cleared his throat, looked away, and Rey slid off him, settling next to him, pulling her legs up to rest her head on her knees.

"Seriously though. You could have slept in the bed. Yeah, I wasn't happy with you yesterday, but I doubt the floor is comfortable."

"It was either this or the car's backseat." His remark was flippant as he sat up, eyes returning to her, sighing at her look of betrayal.

"Do you want to avoid me that bad? I'm sorry what I said yesterday." Rey felt her throat thicken even though she knew she was all cried out. Kylo blinked at her, aghast as he shook his head, rolling up onto his knees as he reached for her face.

"Why are you apologizing? _I_ should be apologizing. Rey, sweetheart…" He expected her to flinch away from the endearment, to recoil from his hands as they cradled her face. Instead, she leaned in, slim hands coming up to rest against his as she looked up, hazel eyes conflicted as she considered him.

"I am so sorry. I won't be able to say that enough. There's nothing that I can say in my defense—I was an asshole. _I'm still_ an asshole, especially according to you when I give you late shifts." He looked at her pointedly, a smile quirking as she giggled at his remark, nodding in agreement.

"Such an asshole."

"I'm probably the king of the assholes. Or at least I was in college. But I've changed, and I want to prove that to you."

She wanted to ask him so many questions. Why did he get jealous and defensive? What did he feel for her? Did they just need to stop whatever _this_ was? Rey felt uncertain as she looked up at him, questions biting her tongue and yet unable to come out. She was unsure whether she should raise an eyebrow and say something sarcastic back, or if she should tug his face closer and…then what, she wasn't sure. All she knew was that this wasn't the Kylo she had a schoolgirl crush on when she was sixteen. There was something warm that buzzed about her heart as she looked at him again, flushing.

"Kylo, I…" She wasn't sure what she would have said if the door hadn't flown open, thudding against the doorjamb with a forceful thud that had Kylo jerking away, almost flinching as the intruder's voice filled the room.

 _"BEN SOLO!"_ There, much to Rey's surprise (and amusement, if she was completely honest), stood Ms. Maz Kanata, former fifth-grade teacher and apparently, their host for their stay in…wherever they were.

It had been so long since she had last seen the short woman, but she remained largely the same—eyes huge behind her spectacles, skin reminiscent of a crinkled brown paper bag, hair finally giving into strands of silver that invaded her dark brown hair, slight of build and shorter than anyone she knew. Despite her surprise, Rey couldn't help but glance over at Kylo, chuckling at how he had gone stark white in the face, with patches of color rising now to his cheeks, looking as if he was about to implode.

"Don't you knock?!" His exclamation was lost on the old lady, who was whipping around the room like a wild dervish, tutting at the pile of clothes on the floor, smoothing the bedspread to set a breakfast tray down. She scowled over her shoulder at her former student, though he towered over her now.

"You weren't downstairs to pick up Rey's breakfast tray like you said, and I was not about to let her pancakes congeal." In a moment, Maz was at Rey's feet, reaching up to pinch at her cheek, clicking her tongue at her in disappointment. "Still so skinny! He would do better to make sure you're eating well."

"Nice to see you too, Ms. Kanata." Maz grinned up at her, flapping a hand at her as she moved away, inspecting the room more.

"Dear, only troublemakers like Mr. Solo still call me 'Ms. Kanata.' Isn't that right, Solo?" Kylo mumbled some response, his face hidden behind one of his hands, but Maz paid his embarrassment no attention. "You can call me Maz, dear. I'm so happy that you came to visit. Naboo is nothing like Takodana, is it?"

"Naboo?" Eyebrows raised, Rey glanced at Kylo, whose stricken face had him caught between glaring and crying with frustration at the wizened old lady as she gasped in disgust.

"You _didn't tell_ her you were coming to Naboo? Ben Solo, your mother raised you better!"

"My mother taught me not to spoil surprises," was the feeble response, and Maz simply tossed her hands up, making a guttural noise that instantly discounted what he said.

"You don't keep Naboo a secret! Your grandfather did, and look what happened to him—"

"Ms. Kanata, a word, please?" She harrumphed at Kylo's request but still swept out of the room, leaving him to smile apologetically to Rey as he followed, hand resting on the doorknob. "It'll only be a minute."

"Take your time." Her smirk was sweet, even though he knew that she was enjoying this little spectacle. Maybe his gaze was too lingering, his eyes too wistful as she waved him off, chiding him. "You better hurry up. You wouldn't want to get a detention, would you?"

"Yeah, yeah." He lingered still, feeling as if there was still something left to say, left to do, glancing down at his feet.

"Hey." Her hand was warm as it touched his arm, as she looked up into his face. "We'll talk later, okay? About yesterday. We'll be fine."

Kylo wasn't sure who smiled first and who was merely reflecting the look back as he nodded, Rey hesitating and looking like she turning a thought over in her mind, studying his face again. She started to surge up on tiptoes, and Kylo closed his eyes, not sure whether to offer his cheek or his lips or if she was simply going to hug him.

 _"Mr. Solo!"_ They startled, and he tried not to let his disappointment show as she stepped back, flustered but smiling despite it all.

"Right. Maz. You better talk to her before she calls your mother. I'm pretty sure she still has her number." Kylo groaned in agreement, turning to leave. "Hey, Ben?"

His glance back had Rey almost tongue-tied, his brown eyes too intense, too longing. "Yes?" She hesitated, not sure what to say, but still, he waited patiently, as if he was prepared to do that if she only asked.

"Good luck. Don't let her eat you alive." The smile he gave her squeezed her heart, painted her cheeks, and she could only watch helplessly as he bounded, the door clicking behind him. Rey sank onto the bed, casting a sidelong glance at the breakfast tray. She wasn't hungry, butterflies fluttering around inside her quelling any appetite.

"Rey Kenobi, what are you getting yourself into?" The murmur was quiet, merely a whisper put to the background of seagulls and waves meeting the beach, still far off.


	8. Chapter 8

Kylo made it a point to avoid Maz's eyes as he strode into the fall, the bedroom door closing with a neat _click._ He wished that he could remind the morning just a small bit, that he had locked the door after him the few hours before, after he had carried Rey up the stairs, tucked her into bed. He wished that the conversation could have gone differently, that he had been more intent on explaining himself, not just on apologizing, because what if she thought that he was merely saying the words and not understanding _why_ he needed to say them. He wished that he had more time to think through what he wanted to say, and despite being in her debt, his annoyance with Ms. Kanata flared as he crossed his arms, leaned against the wall.

"You do know that I only got three hours of sleep, right?" Maybe it was frustration, maybe it a coil of nervous anticipation thinking of the day that laid ahead and how it needed to be perfect, but his words were tossed off with exasperation at the elder.

"You do know that you woke me up at five o'clock this morning, begging me to give you a room because you want to impress the girl that you should already be with, correct?" He felt his face flush, and his former teacher seemed caught between scoffing and chuckling at him as she wagged a finger at him. "You come to me for help with your silly little fuck-up and then expect me to allow you to fuck up more? No! You brought her to Naboo! That is very serious business, and if you want to save this relationship, you stop being lazy!"

"What relationship?" He knew better than to ask, but it was a legitimate question. Maz pursed her lips at him, lightly swatting him on the shoulder, muttering to herself as he winced.

"What relationship, he asks! To think that a student of mine could still be so dense! Just like his father." He wasn't expecting the sharp tug on his arm, the woman's grip much fiercer than he remembered as he found himself on her level, his back bowing awkwardly as he tried to negotiate the new position with his height. With her glare on him, Kylo remembered by he was so afraid of Maz back in fifth grade, fighting back a gulp as she scowled at him.

"Listen here, you goldfish-brained turd—I am already livid at the fact that you have taken this long to get your head out of your ass and realize that little Miss Kenobi is all you want and more. I could have told you that when you graduated from high school, goddamn it. So the fact that it took you at least ten years to come to the conclusion that everyone and their mother had figured out is frustrating enough, but _you_ just had to make it messy with your idiotic ways, didn't you?"

She expected him to be petrified, to be red in the face, sputtering as he tried to defend himself. Instead, he squinted at her, raising an eyebrow. "Please tell me that you don't have an ongoing betting pool on whether or not Rey and I get together." When she scoffed and looked away, he only sighed. Typical Kanata, trying to predict the future while her colleagues had looked on and groaned. (True, Kylo knew that Maz was fairly accurate with her predictions. After all, back in the day, she had predicted—and betted—that his grandparents, _and_ his parents, would get together one day. It didn't change how frustrating and laughable it was.)

"You're just mad that you haven't collected on a stupid bet that you made in the teacher's lounge years ago, aren't you?" She laughed humorlessly at him, jabbing him in the ribs when he grinned cheekily at his correct guess.

"Whatever bet that I made doesn't matter because at the rate you're going, I'm losing. If you don't get your head out of your ass, you're going to lose her." Her eyes softened, and she patted his arm, albeit a bit awkwardly. "I see how you look at her, and even though it took you long enough, I know your heart is in the right place when it comes to her. But she doesn't know that, and she will never know that if you don't stop dancing around the issues you caused, no matter how unintentional you were."

She let go of him now, and Kylo sighed with relief as he straightened up, watched Maz flit down the hall and swiping a pamphlet up off a side table. "Here's the schedule for the festival. That's why you came, yes? To sweeten her up with a date before you explain your idiot ways and pray that she forgives you?" He went to open his mouth, to speak a word in his defense, but he thought better of it, an action that Maz agreed with, nodding knowingly at him.

"That's what I thought. I wrote a few notes, a few personal recommendations for everything going on today. Do not mess this up, Solo." The glare she fixed him with was stern, but there was that concerned softness that slipped through, making her look more amused than anything. "I shouldn't be surprised that you needed help with this sort of thing. You take after your father like that too—so stubborn and stupid in love."

She pressed the pamphlet into his hand and pushed past him, making her way to the stairs. Her head jerked back as Kylo called after her. "Thank you. I mean it."

Maz harrumphed at him again, a small smile settling on her features before she wagged her finger at him again. "Just remember, Solo—I still can call your mother if you act improperly with Miss Kenobi. She deserves the best, and does not deserve to cry over any man, especially one as troublesome as you." She paused, a thought seeming to alight on her mind for better or for worse.

"Another thing…I remember when you used to pull her pigtails and make her cry. If there is any _other_ kind of hair pulling going on while you're staying _as my guest,_ I suggest that you warn me so I can give earplugs to the other guests. And so that I can call your mother." The old woman didn't pause again, his stuttered protests falling on deaf ears as she descended the stairs, leaving the man alone to consider the pamphlet in his hands as he struggled to calm himself down, his face blushing red.

"That old woman is going to kill me one day…" There was a fondness that didn't match the words in his statement, but it didn't matter as he turned back to the room, the door heavy and thick enough that he hoped Rey hadn't heard most of the conversation. If she had…well, it didn't matter. He just needed to make things up to her, make things better, or else lose her to that tricky thing called time.


	9. Chapter 9

It almost felt odd to see the morning sun from something besides the passenger side of the car. Rey tugged at her sweater sleeves again, the blue knit too short to cover her hands from the cold spring breeze that wisped past her now. From her vantage point on Maz's porch, the green painted wood chipping a bit under her shuffling feet, Rey could see the quaint town in the distance, perhaps a mile or two up the road. The path was lined with white picket fences, tulips and daisies scattered, their bright heads poking up and towering over the petunia filled garden beds, the colors bright and defiant against the salt-tinged gray sky.

If she had to wait for Kylo as he finished getting ready, this view made it worth it, her eyes shutting as she listened to the seagulls cry and the waves crash. She wished that her thoughts would dissolve so she could thoroughly enjoy the moment, but no. There was too much to think about.

She almost dreaded her talk with Kylo, which seemed ludicrous, if not downright weird. It wasn't because she didn't believe that she deserved closure or another apology—she had grown up enough to know that she deserved much more than that, that she would be well within her right if she spat on his apology, if she rejected his apology.

No, it wasn't that. She shivered slightly as the breeze whispered past her again, their coolness coming from the waves that tried to crash against the sand dunes in the distance, her mind's gears ticking along with thoughts regardless. It was troublesome and foolish, but there was a fear that laced her now.

She didn't want the conversation because it meant that they wouldn't be "just friends" anymore. It had taken her so long to get back to that level with Kylo after his absence in her life. She had forced herself to go on so many dates—awful or dispassionate, never good ones—to force herself off her childish infatuation, to prepare herself for the day that she'd see him again. Rey didn't think that it would. But then she needed a job, and Han offered her one, and of course, Kylo was there too. But she was past him. She was so sure.

Or, at least, had been. The past few days played back in her head, and she trembled again, but not from the breeze, but from the ghosts of his hand on hers, of his gentle snoring at 4 am, of his mumbled singing when Frank Sinatra sang about _amore_ and the freeway stretched out before them. She wasn't sure when her walls had started to break down, but she had a feeling that he didn't have any walls to begin with.

Did she think that he—Kylo, Ben, the boy that she grew up with, the man that she wanted to see life end with—had fallen in love with her? She wanted to shake her head no, to laugh at her conceit, but her heart was gushing _yes_ and for some reason, her mind was agreeing.

That terrified her. Something brushed against her, and she hoped that how she jumped and startled would convince anyone that she was just surprised. "Are you ready to head out?" She didn't have to look up to see that Kylo's eyes were gentle, his voice low as if she was an injured fawn ready to scamper off, his hand light as he touched her arm. She hoped that he didn't notice how she shuddered as his thumb absentmindedly stroked her skin, the action calming and yet maddening, her heart pounding in her ears as she nodded.

His smile and the worried arch of his eyebrows were at odds with each other as they started out, shoes loudly crunching against the gravel path. Rey kept her eyes on the picket fences, trying to count how many flowers were trying to compete with the fences' height. She could feel his anxiety, could hear it in how his hands smoothed the piece of paper he just plucked from his pocket, and so she spoke before he could open his mouth, even if he was only going to ask what they should do first.

"Let's not talk about it yet." Their eyes met as she glanced up at him, the serene smile that she offered up seeming to surprise him. "We have all day. It's just going to be the two of us, no interruptions. We don't have to force the conversation quite yet."

Kylo blinked at her, and for a moment, she feared that he would shake his head, insist that they talk about it now. "Okay. We can do that."

"Are you sure?" He cracked a smile at her question, reaching out to squeeze her hand, if for but a moment.

"If that's what you want to do, then I'm sure." Rey tried to ignore her heart's disappointment when he dropped her hand, scolding herself that they were just friends. That that's how things needed to remain. She didn't like that thought, but her heart had been through enough this week. She just wanted to enjoy this time with her friend, even as her heart practically sang when Kylo reached for her hand again, interlacing his fingers with hers, his smile sweet as he asked her what she wanted to do first, the little town stretching before them now, the festival booths already busy, the morning just begun.

She seemed so natural surrounded by flowers. It was an odd thought, Kylo admitted as he approached, two boxed lunches from the local café in hand. When he had left for food, she had been constructing a flower crown for herself, just one of the many activities the little town had scheduled for today. She had joked that she would make him a crown too, hopefully of roses, but leave the thorns on, just because she could. (He doubted that she would.)

Now, as he returned, she was standing and surrounding her was children, boys and girls alike, all of them awed as Rey's fingers made quick work of the daisy stems that she was twining together. In a moment, there was another finished project being plopped on the curls of a boy, maybe no older than four, who cooed at her and threw his arms around one of her legs as she laughed, shooing him off towards his parents now.

Kylo almost didn't want to break up the little group that had formed, but as the girl's eyes caught hold of him and she waved him over, he couldn't resist, coming to her side as if he hadn't left. It took a few moments to convince the children to leave, but now they rushed off, the sight of the boxed lunches reminding them that it was about time to eat and that, as fun as flowers were to wear, they had nothing on the sandwiches their parents packed and had waiting for them.

Rey was still beaming as the last child wandered off, and her look was infectious, a grin settling on Kylo's face as they settled in the shade to eat, the simple lunch of sandwiches, chips and lemonade tasting like childhood with every bite.

He was about halfway through a mouthful of peanut butter and jelly when she dusted her chip crumb covered hand on her pants and fixed her gaze on him. He supposed that he was thankful that she waited until he swallowed to start speaking, her glance trailing from his face to her hands and then back again.

"So…about the other night…we didn't really talk much about what was actually said." She fluttered a hand at him as he opened his mouth, another apology on his tongue, her voice soft as she admonished him. "Apologies are good, Ben. What's better, however, is if we know why we're apologizing."

"I'm sorry for asking the question that started everything." Rey blinked at him, brows knitting together as she squinted at him, and he tried to explain further. "I shouldn't have asked that question and then talked about Bazine, or any of that. I didn't know you once had feelings for me. I didn't mean to hurt you with that."

She considered him for a moment before she chuckled, shaking her head before glancing at him, chuckling again at his wide eyes, his quirked, confused mouth. "Ben. That's not why I got upset. That's why you got upset."

"What? No, I wasn't." She chuckled at him again, and he could feel frustration flare up and then dissolve as she reached over, laying her hand on his.

"Yes, you were. Look—I fully expected you to have dated and kissed and…done more with other girls. I knew that was going to be the case, no matter what. I wasn't jealous. But you were. And that's what hurt." Rey leaned in closer, looking up into his face, knowing that she had a rapt audience as his brown eyes bored into hers, so intense that she had to glance down for a moment. "You seemed so…surprised that I had dated and kissed before too. You were acting as if I personally went out of my way to insult you by kissing someone else…during a time that you were basically bent on ignoring me. Because that makes sense."

He wanted to look away, to hide his face, but Rey's eyes kept him rooted, even as she chewed on her lip, tried to figure out what to say next. "Even though I still don't know exactly why you avoided me back then…well, besides Poe's opinions of you being immature and dumb…" Kylo cracked a smile. Poe was right about something, for once, he supposed. "Even though I won't understand a lot of what you do and why you do it, my point is that you didn't have the right to get so angry with me just because you were jealous."

With her brows knit like that as she bit her lip, she looked as if she expected him to correct her, to get angry again, to say that no, he wasn't jealous. He could do that, say those things and hurt her again. But it wouldn't be the truth.

"You're right." Her jaw dropped in surprise, and he shrugged it off with a smile. "You're one hundred percent right—I was jealous. To be honest, I'm a little bit jealous still, but only because I could've had the honor of kissing you and instead, I was just a dumbass. Still, that didn't give me the right to act the way I did, back then and the other night. You were completely right to yell at me and to put me in my place, and if you didn't want to talk to me once this trip is done, I completely understand."

He dropped his gaze, taking a deep breath, hoping that he didn't mumble, that she could hear him, even if he was too afraid to see her face when he said it. "I know that I don't deserve you as a friend or as anything else. I know for a fact that I don't."

Her hands were soft on his face, and he could tell that she was trying to look at his face, to coax his gaze up so that she could tell if he was being sincere or just trying to guess at what she wanted to hear. His eyes met hers now, and he wasn't sure if she looked ready to cry or if she was just relieved and a little grateful. But there was a smile on her face now, a small one that was growing ever so slightly as he pushed on as if her smile was a flower and his words were water and sunshine.

"But no matter what I deserve, or what I am to you, I want you to be happy. I don't want you sad or angry or anything just because of a stupid guy. Especially me. If I could, I'd beat myself up for you." She laughed now, rolling her eyes at him before leaning forward as if to whisper a secret.

"You're such a dork. Probably the biggest dork I know." Rey gestured around them, smiling even as she shook her head. "Only you would go all out for an apology. Which I appreciate because this is so much better than a bouquet of flowers and an apology, but Jesus Christ, Ben. You drove all night and probably freaked yourself out about being behind schedule just so you could apologize. You really didn't have to."

"I wanted to though." His mumble was soft, and she almost didn't hear him as his gaze dropped to his half-eaten sandwich, as if he expected her to laugh at him and call him an idiot. He looked up startled as something touched his hair, reaching his hand up, fingers brushing petals and stems as she smiled at him fondly, adjusting the flower crown that she had made for herself earlier.

"You're an idiot, Ben Solo. But I suppose you're my idiot." She stood now, offering her hand to him, not minding now how her heart thrummed happily as he accepted it and she pulled him to his feet. "Let's head back to Maz's. If you drove all night, you're probably exhausted. I could use a nap right now too."

She yawned and stretched, pretending that she didn't notice how Kylo's gaze followed her body, head to toe and back up again before holding out his hand for her to take if she so chose.

Rey did, and as they followed the gravel path back towards the house that sat on the beach, she wasn't sure what to feel, besides better. Kylo squeezed her hand again, and she couldn't help but smile. True, friends don't hold hands like this, and they don't think about kissing each other like she just did, looking at the man's lips when her gaze drifted back to his face, but the fear from earlier was nowhere to be found now. This was Naboo, after all. Things didn't have to be black and white here. There could be shades of gray or of any other hue, and she would accept that gladly if it meant her heart remained as happy as it was now.


	10. Chapter 10

Rey had always looked tiny when she slept. Kylo remembered having to carry her back inside her grandfather's house after a night at the drive-in, and if he strained his memory back even further, he could probably recall what she looked like when she was seven-years-old and came over to see his mother and fall asleep on the couch next to him while cartoons blared loudly from the family television.

She was curled up beside him on the bed now, her breathing was slow and measured, seemingly synchronizing itself with the waves crashing against the shore just a mile off. It was still mid-afternoon, the sun peeking through those ridiculous lace curtains that Maz probably sewed herself, a breeze whispering through the open window. Even though his eyes were heavy and he felt ready to sink into sleep, the man forced himself to stay awake, his hand rubbing Rey's back just as she asked him to at least twenty minutes ago before she drifted off.

Kylo had been in this type of situation before, both this trip and in general. He still remembered how Poe had teased him about it when he dared complain about how one time, after post-work drinks had turned into Rey passing out in his bed with him on the floor, his arm falling asleep as he craned it over the side of the bed because she had demanded that he play with her hair. "Bro, she has you wrapped around her little-inebriated finger. You're so fucked."

Back then, he had insisted that he wasn't, that she didn't have any sway over him, but here he was again, all but cradling her, her breathes gentle puffs on his face. Now he didn't care if he would be considered "whipped" or anything like that, a smile curling on his face as a piece of hair fell against Rey's nose and it wrinkled in discomfort, her furrowed brow smoothing again as he brushed the offending strand out of her face, looping it behind her ear. She looked so peaceful, almost angelic, like this. It made him want to kiss her and also keep his distance. He really didn't deserve her, even if she had forgiven him.

He pushed himself onto his back, the hand stroking his companion's back stilling for a moment as he sighed, considering the ceiling and its little scattered bumps under the light blue paint. His gaze flickered back over, Rey's voice sleepy but amused: "Kylo, close your eyes. You're supposed to be sleeping too."

He chuckled, rolling back over and basking in her sleepy grin as she stretched almost like a cat, toes curling in her socks. "Good afternoon, Sleeping Beauty."

"Hello to you, too, dummy." She chuckled as he feigned hurt, his face slipping as he broke into a smirk. "You know, nap time was supposed to be for you, not just me."

"It's hard to sleep when there's a pain in the ass sleeping next to you and begging you to rub her back just because 'it feels nice and you never say no, Kylo'." Rey chuckled at his air quotes, lazily shrugging one shoulder.

"You can't call me a pain in the ass when it's all but scientifically proven that you can't say no to me."

"Yeah, yeah…you're lucky that I think you're cute." Kylo froze, watching Rey's face for any panic, but instead, she hummed, brushing her fingers across his palm and flattening her hand against his. She examined how the clasp of their hands, how tightly he naturally held her hand, squeezing his fingers almost experimentally. It sent jolts up his arm, coloring his face with a dark blush as she slyly looked at him.

"Is it just because I'm cute? Or are there any other things you think about me?" He wondered if he could die, watching the woman scooch closer to him, her lips barely a few inches away from his, her hazel eyes intense on his brown ones. "Anything else at all?"

His throat felt like it was lined with sandpaper as he swallowed thickly, watching Rey's eyes slid down to his throat and slowly drift up towards his lips, her gaze all but captivated as he licked his lips and coughed. "Well, I think you're smart—much smarter than just about everyone I've ever met, even Finn with his fancy-dancy rocket science degree. I think you're strong, both physically and emotionally. You've been through a lot and you're the only one who doesn't need help carrying stock up from storage back at the bar."

She was nodding along, her fingers stroking the center of his palm, making it hard for him to think. "I think you're funny. It sucks sometimes but you always have a comeback." He groaned at Rey's sly look, her smile smug and her eyebrow quirked. Before she could say anything more, he added, "You're also the kindest person I know. You forgive people even when they don't deserve it. You forgave me even though I didn't deserve it."

Rey's face softened, and suddenly, her hand was on his cheek. "God, you're so silly, Ben." He shook his head, peeking back up to look at her as she chuckled, rolling her eyes. "Don't worry about it. Really, Ben."

Her breath seemed to hitch as if she was about to say something but thought better of it, leaning up now. The collision of their lips was soft, and Rey wondered what she was doing, if she should pull back, if she had made a mistake. Her answer came as his hands cupping her face, his lips gentle as he pulled her closer. She couldn't tell if he was smiling into the kiss, or if she was, her heart pounding loud in her ears.

"Rey." His voice was ragged when they came up for air and it seemed to shake her from her stupor. She pulled back, shaking her head, covering her mouth with shame.

"I shouldn't have done that. Oh my god, Kylo, I'm so sorry. What was I thinking?" Rey was on her feet now, looking for her shoes, even as Kylo scrambled up off the bed to follow her.

"Rey, sweetheart, calm down. It's okay. Honestly, it's okay." He tried not to focus how quickly he had gone from Ben back to Kylo for her, desperately watching her pace, her fingers stumbling over her shoelaces.

He wouldn't admit that there was a difference, but goddamn it, with her, there was. There was a difference in tone, a difference in a relationship context. Kylo was just who he was to everyone now—cool, collected, a bit of a hardass. But when he was Ben, specifically Rey's Ben, he was a dork. He was snarky and weird and awkward, with a million and one stories about how uncool he was and how he didn't deserve anyone like her. But as Ben, that's when he had the most chances to be with her.

"It's just no good, Kylo." She looked up at him, apologetic, and he felt as if there was a hole being punched into his chest. "We're friends. We've always been friends. I'm not about to lose that just because I can't distinguish between you being nice and you possibly being interested.

"Rey, I—"

"Really, Kylo, don't worry about it. I'm going to take a walk. Tell Maz I'll be back for dinner. I'm so sorry." She knew that he was ten seconds away from throwing on his own shoes and following her, shaking her head at him. "I really just need to be alone right now, okay? Please." The look he gave her made her wonder if she was the only one panicking over the kiss, but it didn't matter. She couldn't put their friendship at risk just because she was stupid. She couldn't bear to take a risk and lose on two fronts. The door clicked behind her even though the picture frames on the wall rattled by how hard she had thrown the door shut.

Rey's feet pounded down the stairs and the front door flew open as she sprinted out of the house, only making it to Kylo's car before the tears came and she gulped them down, the sensation burning her throat as she shuddered. They had just jumped that hurdle that had been in their way for the past two days. She should be happy, but instead, she was afraid. Still, her fingers traced her lips as if trying to mimic the feel of Kylo's mouth pressed to hers and she bent her head down and cried.


	11. Chapter 11

Rey knew that he'd follow her out, the screen door's spring squeaking as Kylo swung it open, his eyes wary and concerned. She glanced at him then back at her shoes, scuffing the toe into the dirt as she leaned against the car's front bumper. Her eyes were itchy from tears, and despite the fact that she had all but run from him, Rey was grateful that Kylo had kept to their tradition of five minutes.

It was like clockwork with them—when she'd get upset, be it at age five or age twenty-two, she would storm off and Kylo, if he was there, would give her five minutes. Only five minutes, maybe to give her time to get herself as far from the situation as possible or to just calm down, but always five minutes. Once time was up, he'd come find her like some odd game of hide and seek.

When they were younger, this was a routine done begrudgingly, the boy sitting sullenly beside his young friend as she bawled. As they had gotten older, it had become more a minute of bonding than a moment of vulnerability, Kylo always reaching out and tugging Rey close in an awkward half-hug as she'd rant about how awful people were. Now, as he strode to the car, carefully sinking on the car's hood beside her, his arm close enough to brush against her back but he didn't loop it around her shoulders. She didn't blame him.

"I won't run away if you try to hug me. That's different." Her voice felt scratchy against her throat, the words hushed as she croaked them out. Kylo chuckled humorlessly, and she wondered if he was alright, if he was just laughing for her benefit.

"Is it different?" His words were soft, a little kernel of hurt wrapped up in there somewhere, his Adam's apple bobbing as he attempted to swallow it down. He wouldn't look at her, looking at her feet as they anxiously swiped the dirt in front of them, creating little waves along the ground.

"Of course, it's different." Rey caught his eyes drifting up to her face and then down to his hands as he pulled his arm away for a moment, his "oh" almost inaudible. She sighed, shaking her head. "I'm sorry, Kylo. I shouldn't have presumed that you liked me like that. Not after everything that happened on this trip. I shouldn't have kissed you."

Despite himself, the man chuckled, exasperated as he rolled his eyes up to the sky. _Gods help me. This girl will be the death of me._ "I don't mind that you kissed me." Rey's head jerked up as she looked at him suspiciously and he sighed, holding his arms out and waving for her to lean into him, something she did, albeit warily at first. "If I'm being honest, I've wanted you to kiss me for a while now. I probably would have kissed you first by now but…I didn't think you'd want me to. Not before or even after you told me that you used to have a crush on me. I didn't want to push it."

Kylo couldn't see her face—she was resting her head against his shoulder, her breathing slow, as if she was counting the seconds between breaths. He knew that nothing would come of this conversation—the silence was all too clear in its meaning. If she wanted him, she would have said or done something by now. Hell, if she _didn't_ want him, she'd have made that exceedingly clear. That's just how she was, and it made everything hurt just a little more as the quiet moment slumped over them.

Her silence told him that she didn't know, that she'd look for some happy medium, some way to keep both of them happy even if they really weren't. And it hurt more than he'd allow himself to tell her.

She shifted in his arms, sighing as her arms wrapped around his waist, pulling him closer. Rey chewed on her lip, leaning into his chest as she took a deep breath. So many scenarios were racing through her head, and almost all of them ended in her losing her friend. That couldn't happen—not after it felt like she really and truly got him back. "I don't know, Kylo…"

"And that's fine. I get it." He forced a smile when she looked up at him, trying to stay casual. "I just want you to be okay. I definitely don't want you to feel bad about something that I really didn't mind." He nudged her playfully, smirking a bit more naturally now. "But I also want you to know: if you have any extra kisses, I'd be more than happy to receive some. You're not too bad at kissing."

Rey giggled, shaking her head as she nudged him back. "Yeah, yeah. I guess you're not too shabby either." Kylo flashed her a smile and she settled in closer to him, comfortable. She tried not to lean in closer, tried to remember that they were still just friends, even if he didn't mind that they kissed, his cologne nice and heady. He felt like home.

There was too much that needed to be said. They both knew it, both could feel it, but they just leaned against each other, trying to find all the satisfaction they needed forever from this moment. Rey wondered if an eventual breakup would hurt less than this, if it'd be worth taking a chance, if it'd be worth leaning up and slanting her lips under his one more time. She tried to push that idea out of her mind, even as Kylo rested his chin against her forehead, his lips maybe brushing her hair as he squeezed her tighter. It felt good, and right, but she was sure that it couldn't happen.

After all, they'd known each other for their entire lives. Period of estrangement aside, Kylo knew Rey better than Finn and Poe did, better than even her grandfather did. If something were to happen between them and for it to not work out, the consequences would affect more people than just themselves.

With that in mind, Rey scooched closer to Kylo, burying her face into his shirt, trying not to cry when she felt his fingers absentmindedly smooth over her hair. She was proud that her voice didn't catch as she mumbled, "We have a long drive tomorrow, don't we? We'll have to get up at 6?"

He hummed an affirmative to her question, fingers still lazily smoothing over the bumps and waves that her braid had left earlier. "We're not in too much of a rush though. Let's just try to enjoy the rest of the day, okay? Maz wants us to go with her to watch the fireworks after dinner, but we don't have to if you're not up to it."

"I want to. I'm okay." She pulled away, grinning up at him as if to prove it. "See? I'm all better! No worries, Solo." Rey pushed herself up, standing in front of Kylo, still sitting there with a bemused look on his face, even as she tugged at his hands. "C'mon, let's go back into town. I want to see all the flowers."

"Alright, alright—just give me a second, will ya? You're so impatient." Kylo grinned back at Rey as he glanced down, yawning as he stretched. "Shit. I never did take that nap." There was a look of concern that flashed across the girl's face, and Kylo shook his head, almost panicked. "I'm fine though. Whatever you want to do, I'll do it. Anything at all."

Even though she smiled at that, Rey knew that he meant it, even to the extremes. She was grateful for his insistence at ensuring that she was happy, that she had the ability to always choose her fate. But now, as they followed the path to town again, feet heavier than this morning, she wished that he would make a decision for them, especially if it was deciding if friendship really was enough for the both of them.

They did not hold hands this trip into town, and the absence of their palms against the other's was noticeable, but they said nothing, fearing that to say anything would shatter it all.


	12. Chapter 12

The car smelled like rose petals, and Kylo wondered again just how many flowers Rey had stuffed in the backseat. The passing lights dotting the freeway provided too little light to provide a solid answer, the late evening's sun slipping away too fast to help anyways. So he just sighed, glancing over at Rey, realizing that she was humming again, fingers tapping along the leather passenger seat. It almost felt like the first day of driving—the radio up, the last trickle of sunlight straining through the back windows, the highway a winding curve that didn't ask questions and never required answers—but both of them knew the difference, could feel it if their fingers brushed too close when reaching for the radio dial.

They had been driving all day, trying to make up for their day off the road. He had hoped that things would have slipped back into normalcy with the drive, that he could get the past twenty-four hours out of his head, but with the long stretches of road and the exit signs blurring with all the rest of the billboarded advertisements, his mind had, of course, drifted back, the weight of Rey's lips against his a whisper of a sad joke now.

He had meant what he said—whatever Rey wanted, he was fine with. If she wanted him, he'd be happy. If she didn't want him, decided not to talk to him after this trip home, he wouldn't begrudge her. Maybe it would be for the best even, seeing that he had missed the window of opportunity, his chance with her, years ago. But still, the feel of her, warm and curled up in sleep at his side, lingered even though he had spent last night sleeping on the floor again, and Kylo wasn't sure how much more of these almost phantom sensations he could deal with. The thought of her severing their friendship just because she didn't want to be vulnerable with him left him almost reeling, and once more, as his passenger nudged his arm, his name a worried sigh on her lips, he realized that he was driving a bit too fast again, that his attention had drifted.

"Takodana is in two exits." Her voice was soft, and it struck Kylo odd, how distant she sounded. He glanced at her, the shock of her hazel eyes looking back at him probably apparent in his sharp inhale, his lips twisting into a smile, albeit an anxious one. "Thanks."

"It's no problem." She returned the smile before she sighed again, lifting her arms in a stretch. "We made good time, didn't we? All things considering, I mean." There were a few loose flower petals on her sweater, fallen from the bouquet that sat on her lap to give to Leia later, but Kylo made no move to point it out, to brush them off. He was sure that she noticed how careful he was being now, how he seemed to avert his eyes and bite his tongue if there was a moment that could be soft, romantic, nonplatonic in any sense.

"Yeah. We made really good time, even with that little detour." Kylo didn't know what else to call the stop at Naboo right now. If it had been successful, if things had changed between them for the better, the pitch and tone of this whole car ride would be different. Instead, Rey merely nodded, not correcting him, and he felt that familiar thrumming thought in the back of his head. This is what you get. This is what you deserve.

Before he had been able to shove the thought down, answering it just yesterday with, I can do more, I am doing more, I will do the most. For her. Today, tonight, and tomorrow, though, he was being forced to admit defeat, to chime in with agreement. Yeah. This is exactly what I deserve.

It was for this that he allowed himself to sink down into silence, almost wishing that Rey wouldn't follow suit, but as her fingers lingered on the radio dial, turning up a pop star's warbled plea for love, Kylo didn't protest. Instead, he followed the road and the signs, the car drifting to the right now as they exited, the white letters stark against the green sign: Takodana.

The town seemed smaller than he remembered, but he took comfort in it, taking stock in how the little elementary school seemed to have been renovated, how the corner store seemed to finally move the dumpster out back to a new location, probably to dissuade teenage delinquents from using it as a rendezvous for smoking and heavy petting in the shadows.

It didn't take long to find that old dirt road that the Kenobi homestead sat on, the Organa-Solo household just a few miles out, and Kylo could see the lights in the living room, his mother probably waiting up for him. He looked back to the Kenobi household, the car rumbling across the stone-bumped road, his brows furrowing with a frown. No lights on, and it was barely nine o'clock at night. Old man Ben should be awake still. Despite himself, Kylo glanced at Rey and found her brow scrunched in worry, her teeth worrying over her lip.

Despite himself, despite the past twenty-four hours, Kylo slipped his hand over Rey's, his thumb smoothing over the back of her hand as she jumped and then relaxed, sighing at his mumbled coo: "I'm sure everything is okay. Someone would have called you if it wasn't. Everything is okay, Rey." She nodded and he squeezed her hand and let go. For a moment, he wondered if he caught a shadow of disappointment flit across her face, but they were pulling up to her house now, the white-picket-fenced property seeming to stretch further than the town it sat on the outskirts of.

"Thank you for the ride, Kylo." He looked at her again as he put the car in park, but her gaze was on her knees, her hands curled there. "I really appreciate it. Seriously."

"It's no problem," he muttered, the tail end of the phrase being swallowed up by Rey blurting out, "When do you head back?" He blinked, nearly asked her why she cared, but then he caught her eyes again, so nervous, almost skittish.

"My flight leaves on Saturday." He saw her brow wrinkle again, adding, "Since I'm leaving the car here, I had to book a flight back. If I had known you were driving here with me, I would have looked into buying you one too." His voice died in his throat with that, realizing that it probably worked out better this way, that Rey probably didn't want to be stuck next to him on another cross-country trip, and so he closed his mouth, watching her fidget.

"It's okay. Finn and Poe promised to help me figure it out. I'll be fine." Another moment of silence, and then she looked up, leaning across the center console for him, her arms slipping around his shoulders almost too readily and Kylo tried not to hug her back too eagerly. "I really appreciate you, Kylo. Stop worrying about everything that happened, okay?"

He snorted, rolling his eyes as she pulled away, both smiling despite themselves. "Right, because I can stop worrying just like that." She rolled her eyes back, chuckling. "Pop the trunk for me, will you? I have to get my bags." He hummed in response, reaching for the little lever to do so, but her hand was on his, making him pause. Rey looked as if she was turning a question over in her head, her eyes apprehensive as her mouth opened, and then closed again.

"You know, if your grandfather isn't here, I'm sure my mother would all but insist that you come spend the night instead. I'm sure she would love to see you too." The smile that bloomed on Rey's face was something that Kylo wanted to bask in almost greedily, knowing that he had technically given her the reason to smile, but he denied himself that happy flush, instead shifting the car out of park and into reverse, retreating down the driveway and back to the road, back to his home, where he had not been for a very long time.

He'd think about this all again later, probably after his mother bothered him about him and Rey, when he'd be forced to be completely honest with someone, even if he didn't want to be. For now, for this short, few mile drive, he'd let Rey smile, her voice smooth as she sang softly with the radio, the sound never growing tired in his ears.


End file.
